Klarinet Archive - Posting 000244.txt from 2000/05

From: alevin@-----. Levin)
Subj: Re: [kl] What They Really Mean... (HUMOR)
Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 19:27:46 -0400

David:

Much more interesting than about half of the last 50 postings about
physics and metaphysics.
At 10:52 PM 5/2/00 -0400, you wrote:
>Found on OrchestraList...
>---------------- Begin Forwarded Message ----------------
>
> THE COLONIAL'S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING GRAMOPHONE MAGAZINE REVIEWS
>
> The American record buyer who makes purchases in reliance upon reviews
> published in that redoubtable British periodical, Gramophone, is often
> surprised by the difference between what is heard and what has been read.
>
> This list of oft-used phrases and their actual meanings may serve to
> alleviate this problem:
>
> 1. "Sir Adrian conducts a (pick one) deeply felt/noble/heartfelt
> performance."
> Translation: Sir Adrian's pacemaker crapped out during the slow
> movement.
>
> 2. "...despite occasional lapses in ensemble..."
> Translation: The French Horns missed 8 entrances.
>
> 3. "I find myself returning again and again to the Barbirolli."
> Translation: It's the only performance I own.
>
> 4. "The recording is top-drawer."
> Translation: The performance sucks.
>
> 5. "The performance is all one could wish for."
> Translation: The recording sucks.
>
> 6. "Bernstein certainly is a little willful in the scherzo."
> Translation: Lenny now holds the world's indoor land speed record
> for this movement.
>
> 7. "Despite Klemperer's choice of expansive tempi, the rhythms are
> well-sprung."
> Translation: This is the slowest performance on record, but they
>get
> most of the dotted eighths and sixteenths.
>
> 8. "The performance of (insert name of comely young artist) pleased me
> not a little."
> Translation: The (pick one) bimbo/hunk put out for me.
>
> 9. "Karajan's traversal is somewhat erratic."
> Translation: Herbie's been senile since 1978.
>
> 10. "Overall the performance works well."
> Translation: They finished together.
>
> 11. "EMI currently plans on reissuing only Sir Thomas' most treasured
> recordings."
> Translation: If Sir Thomas so much as farted near a microphone,
> they'll release it on a 2 CD set at full price.
>
> 12. "I was much taken with the gorgeously mellow brass."
> Translation: These wimps are gutless wonders who couldn't play
> fortissimo if their lives depended on it.
>
> 13. "He brings a youthful freshness of approach and spontaneity to the
> score which infuses new life into this much-hackneyed
>warhorse."
> Translation: The new conductor is British.
>
> 14. "His lack of experience, alas, is only evident in the finale."
> Translation: The new conductor is American.
>
> 15. "Rattle knows exactly what he wants."
> Translation: Unfortunately, nobody else does. Especially the
> orchestra.
>
> 16. "It is common knowledge that Mehta's relationship with (insert name
> of British orchestra) has been stormy."
> Translation: (pick one)
> a) They keep calling him 'Gunga Din'
> b) The lads can't bear playing for someone who, a hundred years
>ago,
> would have been a water boy for the Bengal Lancers.
>
> 17. "His credentials are impressive."
> Translation: His talent is non-existent.
>
> 18. "The performance is stunning."
> Translation: Not to say shocking.
>
> 19. "Dame Kiri's diction is impeccable."
> Translation: Not bad for someone whose second cousins are still
> headhunters.
>
> 20. "As always, (insert name of dead British artist) was a paragon of
> good taste."
> Translation: Boooooring.....
>
> 21. "His account of the famous solo passage in the third movement is
> unforgettable."
> Translation: Because he comes in three bars early.
>
>David Niethamer
>Principal Clarinet, Richmond Symphony
>dnietham@-----.edu
>http://members.aol.com/dbnclar1/
>
>
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