Klarinet Archive - Posting 000161.txt from 2000/05
From: "David B. Niethamer" <dnietham@-----.edu>
Subj: [kl] What They Really Mean... (HUMOR)
Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 18:26:30 -0400
Found on OrchestraList...
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THE COLONIAL'S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING GRAMOPHONE MAGAZINE REVIEWS
The American record buyer who makes purchases in reliance upon reviews
published in that redoubtable British periodical, Gramophone, is often
surprised by the difference between what is heard and what has been read.
This list of oft-used phrases and their actual meanings may serve to
alleviate this problem:
1. "Sir Adrian conducts a (pick one) deeply felt/noble/heartfelt
performance."
Translation: Sir Adrian's pacemaker crapped out during the slow
movement.
2. "...despite occasional lapses in ensemble..."
Translation: The French Horns missed 8 entrances.
3. "I find myself returning again and again to the Barbirolli."
Translation: It's the only performance I own.
4. "The recording is top-drawer."
Translation: The performance sucks.
5. "The performance is all one could wish for."
Translation: The recording sucks.
6. "Bernstein certainly is a little willful in the scherzo."
Translation: Lenny now holds the world's indoor land speed record
for this movement.
7. "Despite Klemperer's choice of expansive tempi, the rhythms are
well-sprung."
Translation: This is the slowest performance on record, but they
get
most of the dotted eighths and sixteenths.
8. "The performance of (insert name of comely young artist) pleased me
not a little."
Translation: The (pick one) bimbo/hunk put out for me.
9. "Karajan's traversal is somewhat erratic."
Translation: Herbie's been senile since 1978.
10. "Overall the performance works well."
Translation: They finished together.
11. "EMI currently plans on reissuing only Sir Thomas' most treasured
recordings."
Translation: If Sir Thomas so much as farted near a microphone,
they'll release it on a 2 CD set at full price.
12. "I was much taken with the gorgeously mellow brass."
Translation: These wimps are gutless wonders who couldn't play
fortissimo if their lives depended on it.
13. "He brings a youthful freshness of approach and spontaneity to the
score which infuses new life into this much-hackneyed
warhorse."
Translation: The new conductor is British.
14. "His lack of experience, alas, is only evident in the finale."
Translation: The new conductor is American.
15. "Rattle knows exactly what he wants."
Translation: Unfortunately, nobody else does. Especially the
orchestra.
16. "It is common knowledge that Mehta's relationship with (insert name
of British orchestra) has been stormy."
Translation: (pick one)
a) They keep calling him 'Gunga Din'
b) The lads can't bear playing for someone who, a hundred years
ago,
would have been a water boy for the Bengal Lancers.
17. "His credentials are impressive."
Translation: His talent is non-existent.
18. "The performance is stunning."
Translation: Not to say shocking.
19. "Dame Kiri's diction is impeccable."
Translation: Not bad for someone whose second cousins are still
headhunters.
20. "As always, (insert name of dead British artist) was a paragon of
good taste."
Translation: Boooooring.....
21. "His account of the famous solo passage in the third movement is
unforgettable."
Translation: Because he comes in three bars early.
David Niethamer
Principal Clarinet, Richmond Symphony
dnietham@-----.edu
http://members.aol.com/dbnclar1/
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