Klarinet Archive - Posting 000729.txt from 2000/03

From: Kenneth Wolman <kwolman@-----.com>
Subj: [kl] Fwd: Musical Definitions
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 22:41:34 -0500

As a break from the goings-on about Boosey & Hawkes authorized dealers, I
present this, forwarded to me by a friend.

>Found written on a tea towel-
>
>Applause : Noise made by the audience (often at the wrong time) ,to
>express a desire to end the performance and go home.
>
>Audience : Audiences can be divided into two categories; those who,
>sleep with their mouths open, and those who sleep with their mouths
>closed.
>
>Consonants : A subject of manic obsession among choirmasters. It is said
>that, by their use, one word may be distinguished from another.
>
>French horn : It is actually German, and is not to be confused with the
>English horn, which is French.
>
>Messiah : An oratorio by Handel, attempted every Christmas by some choir
>that thinks it is good enough, with instrumentalists who need the money.
>The musical equivalent of death and taxes.
>
>Music stand : An intricate device for propping up music, except at
>crucial
>times, such as during performances.
>
>Musicians : Individuals bent upon producing sound or noise by scraping,
>hitting, beating, or blowing into an object made of wood, brass,
>or,catgut. Most musicians can count to at least four, and some to five.
>Not to be confused with singers.
>
>Musicians' union : A powerful branch of the Mafia that controls the
>exorbitant amounts of money paid to musicians, and also the number
>of coffee breaks permitted per hour.
>
>Oboe : An ill wood wind that nobody blows good.
>
>Orchestra : The result of musicians having discovered that there is
>safety in
>numbers.
>
>Prima Donna : Derived from an Italian phrase that may be roughly
>translated as pain in the neck" (though some have a lower opinion).
>
>Prodigies : Those who would be well advised to die young, before it
>becomes apparent that they aren't going to get any better.
>
>Rest : A short period of silence in a musical piece, useful for turning
>pages,
>breathing, coughing, and so forth.
>
>Runs : Prevalent among singers of Baroque music, especially that of Bach
>and Handel. Can often be remedied by proper diet.
>
>Sharp : A nattily attired colleague.
>
>Snob, musical : One who pretends to know more about music than we pretend
>to.
>
>Strings : A family of instruments that includes the violin, viola, cello.
>double bass, and yo-yo.
>
>Tonic : A medicinal libation usefully consumed before (and after) a
>performance.
>--------- End forwarded message ----------
>
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----------------------
Kenneth Wolman http://www.rio-cardoner.com
"i had not really expected to find any of the art world populated with
ex-murderers fascists green berets and now i know that you can find
anything in the art world and they can even become prophets' -- David
Antin, "Tuning"

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