Klarinet Archive - Posting 000627.txt from 2000/03

From: LeliaLoban@-----.com
Subj: [kl] Commando Clarinets ;-)
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 13:52:44 -0500

Since we're talking about commercials, I thought my fellow clarinet players
might be interested in the following ad that's floating around in cyberspace.
Gee, I seem to have mislaid the URL...

;-)
Lelia
~~~~~~~~~~~~
BAND AND ORCHESTRA DIRECTORS ALERT!

Has your band or orchestra considered an invitation to go play some place
where the locals don't like your kind? What if your musicians run up against
terrorists, bandits or kidnappers? What if you find yourselves at center
stage in some ratty little dictator's civil war? You can't even protect
yourselves by taking your usual sidearms along on the plane!

Well, never fear. Our new technology means you're ready for anything, with a
secret weapon that turns your clarinet section into an elite fighting squad!
Yes, that's right! Introducing....

*COMMANDO CLARINETS*

The metal clarinet is back, with a vengeance!

Border guards and customs officials will never guess what you're packing.
Who'd suspect the clarinet section, right? But when it's load-and-lock time,
a well-trained clarinet section with Commando Clarinets can convert these
badboys to high-powered defensive weapons in less than a minute.

The new, convertible Commando Clarinet plays real music (like Mozart or
whatever). It looks like a regular metal clarinet too, but with plateau keys
instead of finger holes on all models. Take a close look at the pads.
They're the latest fireproof, blast-resistant technology, developed in the
aerospace program. Yet they look just like ordinary clarinet pads.

Here's the secret of the Commando Clarinet. Shh, keep it to yourselves!
Next to each stand, you've got our patented Base Camps ready and waiting.
Our Base Camp looks just like an ordinary clarinet peg, made of high-impact
plastic that will breeze through airport check-in or any other security
system, when you explain that the lead detected in there is just to weight
down the stand. All you do is pop the top on the peg and unscrew it from the
base. The "weighted" bottom of the Base Camp is really a high-tech clip,
which you can re-load with conventional ammo. See the list below for
available models.

Concealed inside the peg is your handle and trigger mechanism, in three
easy-to-assemble pieces. Click-lock them together. Slide one end over the
right-hand thumb rest. The other end click-locks into the left thumb hole.
As it snaps into place, it locks down all the keys, forming an air-tight
seal.

Remove your mouthpiece. Click-lock the Base Camp clip into the bell. From
now on, you're loaded, so obey proper firearms safety procedures and keep the
barrel of your clarinet pointed down range at all times. (Now you know why
they call it a barrel!!!) Read all instructions carefully for complete
assembly and firing procedure and get some practice at a firing range,
because the Commando Clarinet balances and functions a little differently
than you're used to with a conventional weapon. You can fire from the hip,
but we recommend shoulder-bracing for best aim. Your front A key flips up for
a handy gun-sight!

When you're ready to return the Commando Clarinet to musical instrument
configuration, take off the clip and trigger mechanism first, then look
through the tube from the bell end, to make sure there's not a round up the
spout, before you replace the mouthpiece and use the Commando Clarinet as a
musical instrument again. Rigorous test-firings indicate that the register
key should not accidentally deploy in any non-musical manner without the
trigger mechanism in place, but the clarinet will not play music with a
bullet in the firing chamber and of course you should always play it safe,
assume you're loaded and keep your thumb off that register key until you
check.

The Commando Clarinet comes in the following models:

B-flatten-'em .44 magnum. ("Go ahead, call me a band nerd! Make my day!")

Automatic in A, 9 mm.

E-flatten 'em Straight(-shooting) Automatic Alto Assault Rifle, .223 caliber.

B-flatten 'em Straight(-shooting) Bass Flame Thrower (range approximately 12
feet, depending on weather and wind conditions -- fuel packs sold separately
in containers marked, "Heavy Duty Bore Oil").

E-flatten 'em Contra-Alto RPG Launcher (propellant sold separately in
containers marked, "Heavy Duty Cork Grease" and grenades in crates of
twenty-four, marked as, "Heavy Duty Trumpet Mutes").

On the Bass Flame Thrower and the Contrabass RPG Launcher, the end pegs pull
out and easily convert to shoulder mounts.

*NEW* E-flat Soprano Signal Rocket: This one works a little differently.
Replace your mouthpiece with our special one that's packaged as "X-Hot Jazz
Mouthpiece." It is really the nose cone. Click-lock the bell of the
clarinet onto the Base Camp, which contains the propellant. Point the
mouthpiece skyward, click-turn the register key to the right and light that
candle! You've got eight seconds to get the hell out of the way. Bright
phosphorus flare flies to about 1000 feet, depending on weather conditions,
and signals your position for rescue and support missions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The law requires us to tell you that all the items listed above are for sale
only to adults over 18 with no felony convictions.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*NEW FOR KIDS!*
The Commando Recruit Clarinet works just like the adult model, only it's
plastic, suitable for a beginner, in cool camoflage-patterned plastic (your
choice of Desert, Woodland or Winter Woodland pattern). It fires a
high-powered jet of water from a 1-liter Base Camp. Brasshole bullies
bothering your kid at school? Hose 'em down! Or choose the Contrabass
Potato Cannon!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COMMANDO CLARINETS are not available in stores! Find them only at your
neighborhood flea markets and gun shows -- where there's no background check
required and no waiting!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note for the humor-impaired: Just kidding. Please don't go screaming to
your elected representatives....

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