Klarinet Archive - Posting 000296.txt from 2000/01

From: Roger Shilcock <roger.shilcock@-----.uk>
Subj: Re: [kl] recorders
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 11:29:40 -0500

ShadowCat:
There's a whole book of "Uses for a dead cat". I think yew should mind
your prows and qrows.
I'm glad that you're never likely to be converted to Hegelian idealism,
at any rate.
Yours in the Catlord*,
Roger S.
* the great Tom in the Sky who parks cars in the street just to keep
cats out of the rain.

On Mon, 10 Jan 2000 LeliaLoban@-----.com wrote:

> Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 10:51:10 EST
> From: LeliaLoban@-----.com
> Reply-To: klarinet@-----.org
> To: klarinet@-----.org
> Subject: [kl] recorders
>
>
> Roger Shilcock wrote,
> >I'm not sure your loose use of the terms "ancestor" and "evolution"
> justifies your claim that your statement was "correct". <snip> I wish
> musical instruments were *not* said to have "evolved" and have "siblings".
> They're not organisms - people make them.>
>
> If my use of figurative language lured anybody into that dark region of
> Error's Wood where clarinets come alive, chirp angrily and rebuke their
> owners with accusations of insufficient practicing, inadequate cork grease,
> cheap reeds and so forth, I sincerely, humbly, abjectly apologise, and
> stipulate for the record that, no, clarinets are not alive, AFAIK. People
> make them and unmake them. It is mere superstition to believe that they
> sometimes unmake us.
>
> Lelia
>
> I'm making my stupid pet human type this. She's wrong, as usual, and so is
> that Shilcock human. Just when I finally persuaded her to glimpse at least a
> corner of the truth, he had to come along and impress her with what passes
> for logic amongst humans! <Sigh.> Well, it's a dirty little job,
> instructing humans, but someone's got to do it.
>
> Humans are so deeply sunk in ignorance that I suppose it's useless to try to
> persuade you of the Truth. Naturally, I could explain everything more
> lucidly in Feline than in English, but humans, being tailless and so stiff
> you can't even lick your back paws for emphasis, are incapable of
> comprehending proper Feline, let alone speaking it. I hate to butcher a
> sublime language down to that level, so I must make do with this inferior
> method of communication. Nonetheless, I can but try. It is my duty. Pay
> attention!
>
> Humans merely assist in the birth of clarinets and cannot be said in any
> meaningful way to "make" clarinets. Evil spirits make clarinets and direct
> in the birthing process. Clarinets grow fat on spit and cork grease,
> whereupon they not only breed and evolve but mutate and metamorphose in their
> grotesque fashion. In secret orgies I forbear to describe, clarinets commit
> all manner of foul miscegenation with other breeds of Screech-Sticks, such as
> penny whistles, recorders, saxophones, even v*c**m cl**n*r devils that make
> obscene offerings to the g*rb*ge tr*ck demon. If you keep one of these
> creatures, you will soon have more infesting the place, and for every one you
> can see, a dozen more lurk under the beds and in the closets.
>
> (They invite their creepy friends in, too. We've got a disgusting cornet
> yelling and screaming obscenities at all hours. My humans think I don't know
> that there's an old, filthy, smelly, half-dead trumpet passed out in the
> shed. If my humans had any sense, they'd just lay the trumpet in the
> driveway and back the car over it, but no, sooner or later, the fools will
> let the Horn of Horror into the house and nurse it to health.)
>
> Clarinets are very clever at lying there and innocently posing as inanimate
> objects, but as soon as I get my hooks on one, I will make it squeal and beg
> for mercy and then everyone will know the Truth. Naturally, I will expect
> credit for my labor in torturing the monster, interrogating it and killing it
> with exquisite slowness. I shall drag the carcass around the house with
> appropriate pomp and ceremony and then I want the cadaver properly mounted
> and displayed as my trophy. Humans need to get into the spirit of exhibiting
> the corpses of the vanquished enemy. Lelia hasn't even got a clarinet lamp.
> A dead clarinet would make a nice towel rack, don't you think?
>
> Shadow Cat
>
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