Klarinet Archive - Posting 001025.txt from 1999/10

From: LeliaLoban@-----.com
Subj: [kl] should the embouchure move?
Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 19:43:27 -0500

I'm making my stupid pet human type this.

Dan Sutherland wrote,
>The back of the mouth, tongue and upper throat wind pipe structure can be
considered a garden hose nozzle. Instead of water, we expell gas as we
breathe.

Yes, the humans seem to expell quite a lot of gas, much of it as hot air.

>Imagine Shadowcat on a treadmill. First measure her running cadence [number
of steps/time] when doused with an arc of tepid water then record her cadence
when blasted by the same volume of water delivered through a high pressure
spray nozzle. Which is faster? >

Fortunately for you, it's Samhain, the feline New Year's (Hallowe'en to you
desk apes), a fine night to be feline, and we're in a mellow enough mood to
treat that suggestion as a joke. Because if we took it seriously, we would
need to discuss . . . consequences. Right now, though, I'm not in the mood
to bicker, because I'm curled up contentedly around the basket of icky
chocolate treats (wrapped up so I don't have to smell them too much), on the
table next to the front door. I display myself to fine advantage here, under
a nice warm lamp, while I greet the little human trick-or-treaters that come
to admire me.

Later tonight, I'm hosting a New Year's reunion party with my dead ancestors.
I spent all last night sitting on top of my pet humans one at a time and
grooming myself so that I will look immaculate, to show off how well I've
done for myself. I also wanted the humans to lose sleep last night so they
will sleep soundly tonight and not interrupt my party. After my family's
private Samhain celebration in the cellar, the ghost-cats and I will go down
and party in Human Hell where it's toasty warm. Maybe we'll attend the
finals of the Screams of the Damned competitions.

But I suppose I have to say *something* about this ill-conceived experiment.
I mean, *really* -- Imagine any cat dumb enough to agree to run on a
treadmill!

On second thought, imagine this, monkey-cousins: Imagine Shadow Cat's long,
beautiful claws. Imagine how she manicures them carefully every day and
hones them to daggers and needles. Imagine her lovely, white, sharp,
gleaming fangs. Imagine what she would do with that excellent arsenal to the
uselesssssss ssssssoft sssssskin of any human who dared to spray water (tepid
or otherwise) anywhere near her PERFECT fur suit. Can a human spell
B-U-Z-Z-S-A-W?

[Fearless] Fosdick....Always in concert dress, wrote,
> Ok, I've let him go on long enough. I, unlike Shadowcat, appreciate the
squeak tube's sound. The more I hear it, the more I know there will be food,
happiness and less pulling out of my carefully procured matted fur. I know my
slave does not dislike cats. I am 16 years old and urinate wherever I wish.
Hey, I've earned that privelidge.>

Hi, (Fearless) Fosdick. I am ten years old and could do anything I liked
around here, too, but what I like is a clean litter box, clean, clean, clean,
perfectly clean, and I would swell up and DIE before I would do my business
anywhere else! I suppose if my human earned some cat food with her horrible
screech sticks, I would suffer the noise more graciously, but I'm pretty sure
there would be MORE cat food and LESS slacking off around here and I would
get my breakfast, dinner and late supper SOONER, HINT-HINT, if she would sell
the wretched things or at least waste less of her time on them. You must
look handsome in concert dress, especially on Samhain. I chose the
exra-short plush because I wouldn't want clumsy humans pulling at mats with
those creepy long fingers. Don't those naked fingers look weird to you?
Have a grand Samhain!

Shadow Cat

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