Klarinet Archive - Posting 001084.txt from 1999/07

From: "Paulette W. Gulakowski" <pollyg@-----.com>
Subj: Re: [kl] spellings of "embouchure"
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 11:29:30 -0400

ROTFLMAO
I'm saving this one!
Paulette

On Mon, 26 Jul 1999 20:56:12 EDT LeliaLoban@-----.com writes:
>
>After Ed Lacy turned in his list of misspellings of "embouchure," Mark
>
>Charette wrote,
>>If people don't mind - would you add your own sightings? It _is_
>funny to
>see the spellings & typos!> But then Jack Kissinger's message about
>Tony
>Pay's creative definition of "embrasure" hinted that perhaps we've
>seriously
>underestimated the clarinetists who use variant spellings to make a
>point.
>
>A Reliable Source just offered additional information -- you know, the
>same
>way those anonymous sources always materialize, by pure coincidence,
>of
>course, when a reporter's up against a deadline and can't find anybody
>to
>interview.... (When asked to go on the record for attribution, this
>person
>said, "I could tell you my name, but then I'd have to drive you mad by
>
>forcing you to listen to me play the clarinet....") Sad to say, in
>our
>scandalous ignorance, we have mistaken several other specialized
>spellings,
>variant spellings and even *secret codes* for mere spelling errors!
>Herewith, only a few examples of the true definitions, from the
>growing list:
>
>Ambochire: This word stands for "ambitious botcher for hire." The
>Ambochire
>embouchure, the exact description of which I can't reveal here, is a
>secret
>code that music teachers use at competitions and auditions. Teachers
>don't
>dare risk lawsuits by telling the blunt truth in references for their
>
>students. Nor do teachers want the blame when a student who "tests
>well"
>turns out to be an incompetent musician, or, worse yet, a skull-case
>who will
>ultimately disappoint, frustrate or frighten future teachers and
>employers
>(for instance, by showing up to a rehearsal with an Uzi in the gig
>bag).
>Hence the secret signal, which the teacher embeds in the student's own
>
>embouchure, to warn off all future potential employers.
>
>Armbature: The three syllables stand for "armed", "battle" and
>"tenure".
>College professors, particularly at the Assistant Professor and
>Associate
>Professor level, favor this embouchure, which involves a peculiarly
>aggressive forward thrust of the head, designed to project psychic
>forces
>that enhance one's standing in the Music Department.
>
>Armbrosure: These syllables stand for, "Armed Brothers for Sure" or
>"Armed
>Broads for Sure," depending on the musician's gender, and signifies
>solidarity. This embouchure originated amongst disaffected wind
>instrument
>players in a major symphony orchestra. It's a lame acronym, isn't it?
> But
>then it was a pretty lame Local. Years earlier, the Musicians' Union
>had
>coerced a violist to serve as Union Representative, in the belief that
>he
>would work the hardest on their behalf, since he had so little else to
>do.
>The members changed the rules to give him absolute tenure (i.e., they
>stuck
>him with the dirty little job for life). Unfortunately, the Union
>failed to
>calculate that this man (who had, after all, allowed music teachers to
>push
>him onto the viola even though he preferred violin, and had allowed
>the
>orchestra to dragoon him into the job of Representative that no one
>else
>wanted) proved such a natural-born toady to management that he came
>back from
>negotiations with one unacceptable contract after another. The string
>
>players loyally supported him nevertheless, until a coalition of
>woodwind and
>brass players fomented a coup (ultimately successful) to undo the
>tenure
>provision and replace the Representative with a prognathic-jawed brute
>who
>played contrabass clarinet without a neckstrap and who, on being asked
>if
>he'd run for Union Rep, murmured dreamily, "Mmmm, little management
>gonefs,
>two or three of them, first thing in the morning, with Vidalia onions
>and a
>shot of balsamic vinegar, on toast...yummy...." During the plotting
>and
>undermining phase of the operation, the wind players all learned the
>new
>"Armbrosure" as a secret signal to reinforce their determination that,
>"We're
>mad as hell and we're not gonna take it any more!" (Variant spellings
>
>include "armbroshure".)
>
>Armbrochure: Another acronym, a refinement of the above. In place of
>the
>awkward gender reference, use of the "Armbrochure" reveals which of
>the
>Musicians' Union conspirators passed around the rabble-rousing,
>unsigned
>leaflets that appeared tucked inside the first pages of everyone's
>copies of
>the first music rehearsed on that day.
>
>Armiture (var.: Armature): This embouchure, an extreme version of
>"biting",
>produces uncontrollable squeaks for most clarinetists. But for
>certain
>people (generally intense and highly competitive, the type we speak of
>in a
>sarcastic or disapproving but curiously envious tone of voice, with
>comments
>such as, "Wow, ain't she just the Human Dynamo," or "He's tied kinda
>tight"),
>the Armiture or Armature produces an incredible, squealing,
>eardrum-piercing
>altissimo, among other startling effects generally considered
>impressive and
>difficult for normal musicians to achieve. For some reason,
>practitioners of
>this embouchure are almost invariably narcissistic, demanding,
>defensive
>personalities (aka "stress kitties"), hence the usual spelling as
>"Armiture"
>with the "I" in the middle. Unfortunately, any attempts to alter this
>
>embouchure are doomed to failure. It's genetic.
>
>Embashure: The party animal's embouchure, characterized by tired
>chops,
>possibly bashed in by a fellow imbiber at last night's bash.
>
>Embouchere: People often mispronounce this acronym. It's a coded
>warning
>against using certain clarinets with high resistance combined with
>mouthpieces with extremely closed tips. The correct pronunciation is
>"EM -
>bow - you - see - here." "Embo" is short for "embolism," i.e.
>cerebral
>embolism or stroke, which you see happening, right here, to the person
>unwise
>enough to use this embouchure, commonly summarized as, "Blow until
>your
>brains leak out your ears." It does produce a sublime tone, however.
>
>Emboshure: This embouchure is a euphemism, adopted by those who
>continually
>refute any proffered advice about playing technique, choice of
>equipment or
>care of equipment by exclaiming, "Bosh!" or more vivid language of
>similar
>general portent. Use of this embouchure (with the lips thrust out in
>a
>position that, without the mouthpiece, would produce a Bronx Cheer)
>may be
>interpreted as continuous, ongoing exclamation of such words in a
>forceful
>tone of voice.
>
>Embrochure: Avoid, at all costs, anyone who uses the Embrochure!
>Spot it by
>the unusually tight, puckered corners of the mouth (causing it to
>resemble
>another orifice) and the gimlet steeliness of the eyes, invariably
>sneaking a
>peek at you (spying on you!) instead of focussing on the music. This
>person,
>equipped with a seemingly inexhaustible supply of brochures, tracts,
>leaflets
>and little booklets promoting a cult religion and explaining why the
>Y2K bug
>is a part of the global conspiracy, will scribble sermonettes on the
>backs of
>all your reeds if you leave them unattended. These sermonettes,
>written in
>strange, cabalistic symbols, will cause everything you play to come
>out
>sounding like "Louie, Louie," for reasons nobody has explained yet.
>
>Emburchure: Used by petty-minded whiners who just never quit
>burching. They
>don't really want to use the emburchure. Their mouths got stuck that
>way.
>
>Imbachure: the embouchure of imbachure students (variant
>pronunciation; but
>see below).
>
>Imbitchure: The definition is disputed, as is the correct
>syllabification.
>With the syllables broken between "m" and "b" and between "t" and "c",
>the
>word is merely a variant of "Imbachure," indicating the mouth position
>of a
>young student. Thus the spelling "Imbitchure" (with "bit" in the
>middle)
>naturally signifies that this child, equipped with a brand new set of
>young,
>strong incisors, bites down hard, as in, "That kid's got an imbitchure
>like a
>crocodile! He bit right through a plain old Rico yesterday and he's
>on his
>way to biting the tip clean off his mouthpiece!" But some people
>break the
>second and third syllables between the "h" and the "u". This is the
>embouchure of the prima donna, the only person in the wind section who
>
>refuses to help oust the violist as Union Rep.
>
>Ombichure (var.: ombichoure): an esoteric means of opening the throat
>to an
>unusually full and rounded aperture, as in the syllable "OM."
>Practitioners
>of Transcendental Meditation prefer the Ombichure over any other
>embouchure.
>
>Hope this helps!
>;-)
>
>Lelia
>
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