Klarinet Archive - Posting 001069.txt from 1999/07

From: LeliaLoban@-----.com
Subj: [kl] spellings of "embouchure"
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 02:17:20 -0400

After Ed Lacy turned in his list of misspellings of "embouchure," Mark
Charette wrote,
>If people don't mind - would you add your own sightings? It _is_ funny to
see the spellings & typos!> But then Jack Kissinger's message about Tony
Pay's creative definition of "embrasure" hinted that perhaps we've seriously
underestimated the clarinetists who use variant spellings to make a point.

A Reliable Source just offered additional information -- you know, the same
way those anonymous sources always materialize, by pure coincidence, of
course, when a reporter's up against a deadline and can't find anybody to
interview.... (When asked to go on the record for attribution, this person
said, "I could tell you my name, but then I'd have to drive you mad by
forcing you to listen to me play the clarinet....") Sad to say, in our
scandalous ignorance, we have mistaken several other specialized spellings,
variant spellings and even *secret codes* for mere spelling errors!
Herewith, only a few examples of the true definitions, from the growing list:

Ambochire: This word stands for "ambitious botcher for hire." The Ambochire
embouchure, the exact description of which I can't reveal here, is a secret
code that music teachers use at competitions and auditions. Teachers don't
dare risk lawsuits by telling the blunt truth in references for their
students. Nor do teachers want the blame when a student who "tests well"
turns out to be an incompetent musician, or, worse yet, a skull-case who will
ultimately disappoint, frustrate or frighten future teachers and employers
(for instance, by showing up to a rehearsal with an Uzi in the gig bag).
Hence the secret signal, which the teacher embeds in the student's own
embouchure, to warn off all future potential employers.

Armbature: The three syllables stand for "armed", "battle" and "tenure".
College professors, particularly at the Assistant Professor and Associate
Professor level, favor this embouchure, which involves a peculiarly
aggressive forward thrust of the head, designed to project psychic forces
that enhance one's standing in the Music Department.

Armbrosure: These syllables stand for, "Armed Brothers for Sure" or "Armed
Broads for Sure," depending on the musician's gender, and signifies
solidarity. This embouchure originated amongst disaffected wind instrument
players in a major symphony orchestra. It's a lame acronym, isn't it? But
then it was a pretty lame Local. Years earlier, the Musicians' Union had
coerced a violist to serve as Union Representative, in the belief that he
would work the hardest on their behalf, since he had so little else to do.
The members changed the rules to give him absolute tenure (i.e., they stuck
him with the dirty little job for life). Unfortunately, the Union failed to
calculate that this man (who had, after all, allowed music teachers to push
him onto the viola even though he preferred violin, and had allowed the
orchestra to dragoon him into the job of Representative that no one else
wanted) proved such a natural-born toady to management that he came back from
negotiations with one unacceptable contract after another. The string
players loyally supported him nevertheless, until a coalition of woodwind and
brass players fomented a coup (ultimately successful) to undo the tenure
provision and replace the Representative with a prognathic-jawed brute who
played contrabass clarinet without a neckstrap and who, on being asked if
he'd run for Union Rep, murmured dreamily, "Mmmm, little management gonefs,
two or three of them, first thing in the morning, with Vidalia onions and a
shot of balsamic vinegar, on toast...yummy...." During the plotting and
undermining phase of the operation, the wind players all learned the new
"Armbrosure" as a secret signal to reinforce their determination that, "We're
mad as hell and we're not gonna take it any more!" (Variant spellings
include "armbroshure".)

Armbrochure: Another acronym, a refinement of the above. In place of the
awkward gender reference, use of the "Armbrochure" reveals which of the
Musicians' Union conspirators passed around the rabble-rousing, unsigned
leaflets that appeared tucked inside the first pages of everyone's copies of
the first music rehearsed on that day.

Armiture (var.: Armature): This embouchure, an extreme version of "biting",
produces uncontrollable squeaks for most clarinetists. But for certain
people (generally intense and highly competitive, the type we speak of in a
sarcastic or disapproving but curiously envious tone of voice, with comments
such as, "Wow, ain't she just the Human Dynamo," or "He's tied kinda tight"),
the Armiture or Armature produces an incredible, squealing, eardrum-piercing
altissimo, among other startling effects generally considered impressive and
difficult for normal musicians to achieve. For some reason, practitioners of
this embouchure are almost invariably narcissistic, demanding, defensive
personalities (aka "stress kitties"), hence the usual spelling as "Armiture"
with the "I" in the middle. Unfortunately, any attempts to alter this
embouchure are doomed to failure. It's genetic.

Embashure: The party animal's embouchure, characterized by tired chops,
possibly bashed in by a fellow imbiber at last night's bash.

Embouchere: People often mispronounce this acronym. It's a coded warning
against using certain clarinets with high resistance combined with
mouthpieces with extremely closed tips. The correct pronunciation is "EM -
bow - you - see - here." "Embo" is short for "embolism," i.e. cerebral
embolism or stroke, which you see happening, right here, to the person unwise
enough to use this embouchure, commonly summarized as, "Blow until your
brains leak out your ears." It does produce a sublime tone, however.

Emboshure: This embouchure is a euphemism, adopted by those who continually
refute any proffered advice about playing technique, choice of equipment or
care of equipment by exclaiming, "Bosh!" or more vivid language of similar
general portent. Use of this embouchure (with the lips thrust out in a
position that, without the mouthpiece, would produce a Bronx Cheer) may be
interpreted as continuous, ongoing exclamation of such words in a forceful
tone of voice.

Embrochure: Avoid, at all costs, anyone who uses the Embrochure! Spot it by
the unusually tight, puckered corners of the mouth (causing it to resemble
another orifice) and the gimlet steeliness of the eyes, invariably sneaking a
peek at you (spying on you!) instead of focussing on the music. This person,
equipped with a seemingly inexhaustible supply of brochures, tracts, leaflets
and little booklets promoting a cult religion and explaining why the Y2K bug
is a part of the global conspiracy, will scribble sermonettes on the backs of
all your reeds if you leave them unattended. These sermonettes, written in
strange, cabalistic symbols, will cause everything you play to come out
sounding like "Louie, Louie," for reasons nobody has explained yet.

Emburchure: Used by petty-minded whiners who just never quit burching. They
don't really want to use the emburchure. Their mouths got stuck that way.

Imbachure: the embouchure of imbachure students (variant pronunciation; but
see below).

Imbitchure: The definition is disputed, as is the correct syllabification.
With the syllables broken between "m" and "b" and between "t" and "c", the
word is merely a variant of "Imbachure," indicating the mouth position of a
young student. Thus the spelling "Imbitchure" (with "bit" in the middle)
naturally signifies that this child, equipped with a brand new set of young,
strong incisors, bites down hard, as in, "That kid's got an imbitchure like a
crocodile! He bit right through a plain old Rico yesterday and he's on his
way to biting the tip clean off his mouthpiece!" But some people break the
second and third syllables between the "h" and the "u". This is the
embouchure of the prima donna, the only person in the wind section who
refuses to help oust the violist as Union Rep.

Ombichure (var.: ombichoure): an esoteric means of opening the throat to an
unusually full and rounded aperture, as in the syllable "OM." Practitioners
of Transcendental Meditation prefer the Ombichure over any other embouchure.

Hope this helps!
;-)

Lelia

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