Klarinet Archive - Posting 000410.txt from 1999/06

From: David Blumberg <reedman@-----.com>
Subj: [kl] I saw this - pretty funny
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 20:52:58 -0400

Rehearsal Police

Summons:

Name of offender: __________________ Date/Time of Offense __________

Instrument: ________________________ Location: _____________________

IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL Fine

__ Stupid Questions $10.00

__ Really Stupid Questions $25.00

__ Really Stupid Questions which increase
rehearsal length $300.00

PRESUMPTUOUS FIRST YEAR BEHAVIOR

__ Musicology $25.00

__ Historical Nitpicking $50.00

__ Obtrusive Foot-tapping $10.00

__ Uninvited Conducting $15.00

__ Questioning Concertmaster's or Principal's
bowings $25.00

__ Comparing Concertmaster's or Principal's
bowings with what Philadelphia Orchestra
did under Ormandy $100.00

GENERAL TOADYING

__ Insane Cackling at Conductor's bad jokes $50.00

__ Loud and forced horse laugh at Conductor's
bad jokes $10.00

__ Unwarranted beatific smile while playing
(strings) $40.00

__ Conspicuous professional reading (e.g.
International Musician, etc) $35.00

__ Stultifyingly minute bowing/breath questions $75.00

__ Conversing with conductor in a language
other than English $95.00

__ Active and public nodding in agreement
with conductor $35.00

__ Pencil behind ear $25.00

__ Conspicuous part marking $15.00

__ Letting pencil clatter on stand after
conspicuous part marking $500.00

__ Obvious, insipid consultation of
conductor's score during break $150.00

__ reference to obscure recordings/
performances $90.00

__ Pretending to understand absurd metaphor $15.00

__ Understanding absurd metaphor $25.00

ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS

__ Playing high notes louder than possible
(brass) $25.00

__ Holding same 1/4 beat longer than
everyone else (brass) $200.00

__ Discussing technique during rehearsal $100.00

__ Discussing technique during break $200.00

__ Discussing technique with guest artist
(at any time) $500.00

__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes $30.00

__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
famous musician (second hand) $60.00

__ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
famous musician (first hand) $90.00

__ Naming yourself after a dead composer $50.00

__ Naming yourself after a live composer $100.00

__ Feigning European birth by 'lapsing'
into foreign languages $150.00

GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR

__ Selling Amway $50.00

__ Inviting conductor to party $15.00

__ Inviting guest artist to party $100.00

__ Showing pictures of guest artist at party at
first rehearsal after party $200.00

Signature of citing official

** FAILURE TO PAY FINES SHALL BE CAUSE FOR REVOCATION OF ARTISTIC LICENSE **

David Blumberg
playit@-----.com
Accompaniments for Woodwind Players on Compact Disc
http://www.mytempo.com
---------------------------------------------------

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