Klarinet Archive - Posting 000286.txt from 1999/06
From: LeliaLoban@-----.com
Subj: [kl] a fond farewell
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 13:58:57 -0400
Ken Wolman wrote,
>I hope Shadow Cat does not get too irate at the next comment, but compared
to Opera-L and rec.music.opera, Klarinet is full of pussycats:-). At least I
hope Shadow won't come over and do something anti-social in one of my
instrument cases....>
How dare you! I NEVER do anything antisocial! I administer the occasional
necessary corrective measures, of course, but it's the humans who always mess
things up. You people shouldn't be reading e-lists anyway, so I'm glad when
more of you quit. If all of you would quit, then my stupid pet human would
have more time to groom me and admire me, instead of staring at this
ridiculous machine. She also practices the Screech-Stick more because of you
people. She says reading your comments inspires her. She says she learns a
lot from you. Hah! Yes, her sloppy gray brain just rolls around in this
informational mud puddle as if she were a DOG! She should get off this list
and lose interest and quit playing that Screech-Stick forever. All of you
should quit playing.
I'm making her type this because the laptop computer that wastes an entire
cat-cuddling lap is a tool of the G*rb*ge Tr*ck Demon and I wouldn't sully
myself by touching it. I'm legally entitled to that lap! I'm especially
entitled to it right now because she wickedly deprived me of it for TWO WEEKS
by going all the way to California, without my permission. The least she
could have done was take all the Screech-Sticks with her and leave them
there. I told her to take them and drown them in the Pacific Ocean. But no,
they're still here. Then she came home a day later than she promised. She
claimed it wasn't her fault, because St. Louis had a big thunderstorm and TWA
made her sit in an airplane parked in the Kansas City airport for five hours
and TWA wouldn't let her go into the terminal except for fifteen minutes, and
later she had to spend the rest of the night in the St. Louis airport, so
that a trip that should have taken six-and-a-half hours took more than
twenty-three hours. I don't believe her. She only stayed away to
inconvenience me.
Now she won't feed me as much as the neighbor fed me, even though the rules
clearly state that all increases in the size of dinner are permanent. She
says I lied to the neighbor about how much food I'm supposed to get. Well,
can I help it if the neighbor was gullible? I won my bigger dinner fair and
square and I'm entitled to it! She says I should be grateful somebody fed
me, because all TWA fed her was a lunch with a sandwich that was frozen solid
and three Breton Wafers later. She didn't have enough time to get something
to eat in the Kansas City airport and all the St. Louis airport food places
were closed by the time the plane landed there, so she didn't get a real meal
until breakfast the next morning. Well, I don't believe that sob story,
because she looks to me like she gained weight on that vacation. I offered
to forget the whole thing if she'd break all the Screech-Sticks, but the mean
old witch won't do what she's told. AND THREE DAYS AFTER SHE GOT BACK, SHE
WENT TO A FLEA MARKET AND DRAGGED HOME A DIRTY OLD CORNET!! How can she do
this to me?
She claims the computer doesn't stink, but I can smell that computer when I
curl up in my rightful place. The clarinet stinks, too. The saxophones
stink, except for the bass. The recorders stink. That old cornet stinks the
worst of all. They're indoor air pollution. You should take your clarinets
and computers and drag them through the water until they drown, then dry them
out on the incinerator ship Vulcanus and burn up all the wooden ones and melt
all the metal ones. That's what I think. But none of you ever listen to me.
But it's true that this list is full of pussycats. Our theory is, "Know Your
Enemy." We're watching our humans carefully. We're watching those
Screech-Sticks. We're biding our time.
Shadow Cat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A squirrel is nothing but a rat with a fancy tail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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