Klarinet Archive - Posting 000107.txt from 1999/05

From: "Karen Harker" <KAREN.HARKER@-----.edu>
Subj: [kl] Fwd: Symphony Orchestra Basics
Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 23:13:21 -0400

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I never knew so much about the sociology (or is psychology) of the =
orchestra;)

Enjoy!
Karen

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by mednet.swmed.edu; Tue, 04 May 1999 13:26:33 -0500
Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 13:25:55 -0500 (CDT)
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From: Charles Lipp <clipp@-----.com>
Subject: Symphony Orchestra Basics
X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas

I swear I did NOT write this.

The members of the orchestra are divided into four
sections. These are woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the
percussion. There's also someone standing in front of all
these other folks playing no instrument at all. This
would be the conductor. It is generally thought that the
conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold
all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation
of any given work.
Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the
four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to
do with someone from another section. And, as we know,
musicians are quite serious about their food.
Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation,
let me set the record straight in plain English about some
of the characteristics which typify the four groups.

Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius
range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers
tend to be extremely quiet,cowering behind bizarre-looking
contraptions -- their instruments -- so nobody will notice
them. It is often doubtful they will even shake your hand
for fear of permanent injury.
A string player will never look you directly in the eye
and they never bathe carefully ... or often.
Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully
everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a
stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back.
Nobody knows why.
Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make
tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds.
They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table
manners of all musicians. They are always male, or close
enough.
Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to
do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer
to this and other pertinent questions we will need to
examine the individual instruments and the respective --if
not respected -- players within each section.

The woodwinds:
Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop
brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the
years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists
suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex,spending all their
waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary
children, although they will tell you they are putting the
finishing touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists
can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They
all wear berets and have special eating requirements which
are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them
seem somewhat special.
English horn players are losers although they dress
better than oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.
Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your
worst enemy,but they come on so sweet that it's really hard
to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's
better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the
impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play,
but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two
notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in
any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs--
their only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their
very best to look busy.
It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play
contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large
numbers -- the instruments as well as the players -- and
play the same three or four numbers as the tuba,although not
quite as loud or beautiful.
Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and
undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no
easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra
than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping
with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference.
The bass flute is not even worth mentioning.
Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty
yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience
can maintain a safe distance.
The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all
orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the
reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of
time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs and exotic
sports cars. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent
in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much.
Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows
why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy
and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to
play the saxophone. Big deal.

Let's continue now with the real truth about...
The strings:
We begin with the string family's smallest member: the
violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension
instrument. It's not an easy instrument to play. Lots of
hard music is written for this instrument. Important things
for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one -- the door
to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone
can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two --
you should make disparaging remarks about the other
violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time.
And number three-- you should tell everyone how terribly
valuable your instrument is until they drool.
The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when
played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most
insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done
about this. Violists don't like to be made fun of and therefore
find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They wear
shabby clothes so that they'll look as if they've just been
dragged under a train. It works quite well.
People who play the cello are simply not good looking.
They have,generally chosen their instrument because, while
in use, the cello hides 80% of its players considerable
bulk. Most cellists are in analysis which won't end until
they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never.
Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own
lunch.
Double bass players are almost completely harmless.
Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large
moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a
symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at
least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make
these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but
why do they drive such small cars?
Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They
often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as
hen's teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists
spend their time perfecting their eye-batting little-lost-lamb
look so they can snare unsuspecting wind players into
carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was
right -- harpists spend half their life tuning and the other
half playing out of tune.
Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and
complain the most. They have unusually large egos and,
because they can only play seated, also have the biggest
butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than
not, their excuse is that they have never played on that
particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.

The brass:
Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit,
though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up.
They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap
rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal,
but watch out come concert time! They're worse than
lawyers, feeding of the poor, defenseless, weaker members of
the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the
conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.
Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players.
However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps
don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but
they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all
your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but
stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because
they know just how stupid the look when they play. It's a
little-known fact that trombone players are unusually
good bowlers. This is true.
The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay
away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet,
lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a
chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for
and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is
high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they
don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't
smell so sweet.
The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking
and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The
tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with
you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per
orchestra. Would that it could be different. And
finally...

The percussion:
These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good
money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't
deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the
stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all
percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little
known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written
percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory.
Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them
-- to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever
and whenever they damn well feel like it, and it's always
too loud. The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence
play timpani, or kettle drums. Most percussionists are
deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune their
instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped
conductor.
The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no
Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room
with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice -- I guess they
figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at
the concert.
Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys
can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to
great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen and now
and then on various forms of public transportation, where
they practice getting up and down as a group. This
represents the only significant challenge to a
percussionist.

And that just about does it. I trust that this little
tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious
inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which
is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival,
is indeed not an easy one.
Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the
difficulties which a modern-day concert artist faces. And so
the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a
moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on
the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives
are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds -- if
anything.

Charles Lipp --> clipp@-----.com

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