Klarinet Archive - Posting 000497.txt from 1999/03

From: KlarBoy@-----.com
Subj: [kl] Fwd: Gramophone Reviews De-coded
Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 11:10:54 -0500

I just got this through the wires and couldn't resist sending it on.

===============================

> THE COLONIAL'S GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING GRAMOPHONE MAGAZINE REVIEWS
>
>
> The American record buyer who makes purchases in reliance upon reviews
> published in that redoubtable British periodical, Gramophone, is often
> surprised by the difference between what is heard and what has been read.
> This list of oft-used phrases and their actual meanings may serve to
alleviate
> that problem.
>
>
> 1. "Sir Adrian conducts a (pick one) deeply felt/noble/heartfelt
> performance:
> Translation: Sir Adrian's pacemaker crapped out during the slow
> movement.
>
>
> 2. "...despite occasional lapses in ensemble ... "
> Translation: The French horns missed 8 entrances
>
>
> 3. "I find myself returning again and again to the Barbirolli. "
> Translation: It's the only performance I own.
>
>
> 4. "The recording is top-drawer. "
> Translation: The performance sucks.
>
>
> 5. "The performance is all one could wish for. "
> Translation: The recording sucks.
>
>
> 6. "Bernstein certainly is a little willful in the scherzo. "
> Translation: Lenny now holds the world's indoor land speed record for
> this
> movement.
>
>
> 7. "Despite Klemperer's choice of expansive tempi, the rhythms are
> well-sprung"
> Translation: This is the slowest performance on record,but they get most
> of
> the dotted eighths and sixteenths.
>
>
> 8. "The performance of (insert name of comely young artist) pleased me
> not a
> little. "
> Translation: The (pick one) bimbo/hunk put out for me.
>
>
> 9. "Karajan's traversal is somewhat erratic "
> Translation: Herbie's been senile since 1978.
>
> 10. "Overall the performance works well. "
> Translation: They finished together
>
>
> 11. "EMI currently plan on reissuing only Sir Thomas' most treasured
> recordings. "
> Translation: If Sir Thomas so much as farted near a microphone, they'll
> release it on a 2 CD set at full price.
>
>
> 12. "I was much taken with the gorgeously mellow brass "
> Translation: These wimps are gutless wonders who couldn't play fortissimo
> if their lives depended on it
>
>
> 13. "He brings a youthful freshness of approach and spontaneity to the
> score which infuse new life into this much-hackneyed war-horse. "
> Translation: The new conductor is British.
>
>
> 14. "His lack of experience, alas, is only too evident in the finale "
> Translation: The new conductor is American.
>
>
> 15. "Rattle knows exactly what he wants "
> Translation: Unfortunately, nobody else does. Especially the orchestra.
>
>
> 16. "It is common knowledge that Mehta's relationship with (insert name
> of British orchestra) has been stormy . "
> Translation: (pick one) a) They keep calling him 'Gunga Din' b) The lads
> can't bear playing for someone who, a hundred years ago, would have been
> a water boy for the Bengal Lancers.
>
>
> 17. "His credentials are impressive. "
> Translation: His talent is non-existent.
>
>
> 18. "The performance is stunning "
> Translation: Not to say shocking.
>
>
> 19. "Dame Kiri's diction is impeccable "
> Translation: Not bad for someone whose second cousins are still
> headhunters.
>
>
> 20. "As always, (insert name of dead British artist) was a paragon of
> good taste. "
> Translation: Boooooring.....
>
>
> 21. "His account of the famous solo passage in the third movement is
> unforgettable. "
> Translation: Because he comes in three bars early.
>

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