Klarinet Archive - Posting 001109.txt from 1999/01

From: TOM RIDENOUR <klarinet@-----.net>
Subj: [kl] Everything we learned was wrong
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 22:52:18 -0500

I think after most of us review the following material we will be upset
enough to demand either a rebate or full refund from our respective music
schools, since the evidence with follows clearly shows everything they
taught us was wrong.

>>>> >These are stories and test questions accumulated by music
>>>> >teachers in the state of Missouri...
>>>> >Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.
>>>> >
>>>> >Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
>>>> >
>>>> >Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the
>>>> >part you better not try to sing.
>>>> >
>>>> >A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
>>>> >
>>>> >John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
>>>> >
>>>> >Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather
>>>> large.
>>>> >
>>>> >Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
>>>wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
>>>calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and
>>>later died from this.
>>>> >
>>>> >Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
>>>> >
>>>> >Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It
>>>is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead.
>>>> >
>>>> >An opera is a song of bigly size.
>>>> >
>>>> >In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
>>>really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily
>>>ever after.
>>>> >
>>>> >When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
>>>> >eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
>>>> >
>>>> >Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
>>>> >
>>>> >I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
>>>> >
>>>> >Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice
>>>> >and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
>>>> >
>>>> >A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps
>>>> >on the odium.
>>>> >
>>>> >Morris dancing is a country survival from times when
>>>> >people were happy.
>>>> >
>>>> >Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one
>>>> >between the Hatfields and McCoys.
>>>> >
>>>> >My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
>>>> >
>>>> >My favorite composer is Opus.
>>>> >
>>>> >A harp is a nude piano.
>>>> >
>>>> >A tuba is much larger than its name.
>>>> >
>>>> >Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
>>>> >
>>>> >You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more
>>>cellos.
>>>> >
>>>> >Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will
>>>> >just stick with the first name and learn it good.
>>>> >
>>>> >A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
>>>> >
>>>> >While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
>>>> >

>>>> >The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and
>>>> >bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
>>>> >
>>>> >When electric currents go through them, guitars start
>>>> >making sounds. So would anybody.
>>>> >
>>>> >Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
>>>> >
>>>> >Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
>>>> >
>>>> >A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
>>>> >
>>>> >Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart.
>>>> >I both found out and got in trouble.
>>>> >
>>>> >Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
>>>> >Answer: Yes.
>>>> >
>>>> >The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in
>>>> >the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a
>>>> >person is elected concertmaster, he
>>>> >has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
>>>> >
>>>> >For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every
>>>> >line of flute music. You just watch.
>>>> >
>>>> >I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
>>>> >
>>>> >The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
>>>> >
>>>> >Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time
>>>> >gets to be the conductor.
>>>> >
>>>> >Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
>>>> >
>>>> >The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
>>>> >
>>>> >The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
>>>> >
>>>> >A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
>>>> >
>>>> >Tubas are a bit too much.
>>>> >
>>>> >Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
>>>> >
>>>> >I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow
>>>> >or Friday be best?
>>>> >
>>>> >My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people
>>>> >seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
>>>> >
>>>> >It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip
>>>> >the neck and shake him in rhythm.
>>>> >
>>>> >Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to
>>>> >make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

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