Klarinet Archive - Posting 001078.txt from 1999/01

From: "Paulette W. Gulakowski" <pollyg@-----.com>
Subj: Re: [kl] Recipe--How to cook a Conductor
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 22:51:47 -0500

Have they been circulating this in Philadelphia? I understand THEY are
looking for a conductor...
Paulette

On Wed, 20 Jan 1999 17:12:12 -0800 "Kevin Fay (LCA)"
<kevinfay@-----.com> writes:
>Can't speak as to how tasty this is . . . but this is apparently how
>it's
>done.
>
>kjf
>
>
>Ingredients:
>
>One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
>Ketchup
>26 large garlic cloves
>Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
>1 cask cheap wine
>1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
>2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt
>One abused performing group
>
>First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully
>separate the
>large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on
>permanent
>loan from the Principal Flute) and long articulations and discard.
>
>Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine
>your
>conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you
>have
>such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean
>the
>Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from
>the
>body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major
>Symphony
>Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by
>pounding
>the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the
>Conductor
>between two large cymbals.
>
>Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the
>Conductor in
>the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some
>Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like
>and
>the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment).
>When the
>Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor
>may be
>wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor
>with
>the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions.
>
>Next, take your group and put as much music out as the stands will
>hold
>without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud
>passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and
>lots and
>lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate).
>Rehearse
>these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds
>are
>always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at
>their
>highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your
>Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add
>the
>second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose
>your
>repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a
>piece with
>no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen
>the
>original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat"
>to you
>and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at
>this
>score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames,
>burn
>the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
>
>
>When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your
>Conductor on
>top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until
>it is
>well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the
>fat has
>dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up
>tasting like stuffed ham.
>
>Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste,
>placing it
>all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter,
>sweeten
>with honey to taste.
>
>Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by
>the
>assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the
>side.
>
>WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding
>areas,
>such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery
>manufacture,
>and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium,
>and
>other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the
>Departments for
>Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of
>conductors be
>limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been
>implicated
>in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever."
>Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the
>extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and
>excessive
>longevity.
>
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Unsubscribe from Klarinet, e-mail: klarinet-unsubscribe@-----.org
>Subscribe to the Digest:
>klarinet-digest-subscribe@-----.org
>Unsubscribe from the Digest:
>Additional commands: klarinet-help@-----.org
>Other problems: klarinet-owner@-----.org
>
>

You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com/getjuno.html
or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unsubscribe from Klarinet, e-mail: klarinet-unsubscribe@-----.org
Subscribe to the Digest: klarinet-digest-subscribe@-----.org
Additional commands: klarinet-help@-----.org
Other problems: klarinet-owner@-----.org