Klarinet Archive - Posting 000151.txt from 1998/07

From: Lee Hickling <hickling@-----.Net>
Subj: [kl] Managing the "Unfinished" Symphony
Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1998 09:22:21 -0400

My granddaughter, a graduate student, forwards jokes she finds on the Net
to her mother, who forwards them to me. This one from the Oracle mailing
list, although it doesn't have anything specifically to do with clarinets,
seemed to me funny enough to spend a little bandwith passing it on..

> A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance
of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he
passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next
morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and
he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:

MEMORANDUM

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do.
Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole
orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems
unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be
drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could
be obtained through use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be
rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be
possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours
to twenty minutes.

5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his
musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have
stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been
finished by now.

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