Klarinet Archive - Posting 000326.txt from 1998/06

From: <KlarBoy@-----.com>
Subj: [kl] Fwd: The Orchestra
Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 01:58:46 -0400

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Hope this isn't too long, I found it hysterical
enjoy,
Mario

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From: ABuffGal@-----.com
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Subject: Fwd: The Orchestra
Date: Mon, 8 Jun 1998 13:04:24 EDT
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Subject: The Orchestra

>THE MEMBERS OF THE ORCHESTRA
>
>The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are
>woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the percussion. There's also
>someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at
>all. This would be the conductor. It is generally required that the
>conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the
>instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work.
>
>Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups
>would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from
>another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite serious about
>their food.
>
>Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation, let me set the
>record straight in plain English about some of the characteristics which
>typify the four groups.
>
>Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with
>coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet,
>cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions -- their instruments so
>nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind
>player is male or female.
>
>String players are neurotic prima donnas who won't even shake your hand
>for fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you
>directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully ... or often.
>
>Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the
>possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like
>to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.
>
>Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes
>at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in
>concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They
>are always male, or close enough.
>
>Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone
>outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other
>pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument
>and the respective -- if not respected -- players within each section.
>
>Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the
>extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly
>instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all
>their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children,
>although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the
>world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size
>too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which
>are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat
special.
>
>English horn players are losers although they dress better then oboists.
They
>cry at the drop of a beret.
>
>Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they
>come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's
an
>instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the
>impression that theirs is a very hard
>instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two
>notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given
evening.
> However, in order to keep their jobs -- their only real concern -- they act
>up a storm doing their very best to look busy.
>
>It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon.
>They are available at pawnshops in large numbers -- the instruments as
>well as the players -- and play the same three or four numbers as the
>tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.
>
>Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the
>ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with
>the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them
>from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference.
>The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other
>hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the
>unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.
>
>The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral
>instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a
>dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest
>wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports cars. They mostly have no
>education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they
>don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody
>knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and
>mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the
>saxophone. Big deal.
>
>Let's continue now with the real truth about ... the strings. We begin
>with the string family's smallest member: the violin. The violin is a
>high-pitched, high- tension instrument. It's not an easy instrument to
>play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important
>things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one -- the door to
>your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your
>brilliant practice sessions. Number two: you should make disparaging
>remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of
>the time. And number three: you should tell everyone how terribly
>valuable your instrument is until they drool.
>
>The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when played, sounds
>downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the
>string section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don't like to
>be made fun of and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for
>them. They wear shabby clothes so that they'll look as if they've just
>been dragged under a train. It works quite well.
>
>People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have
>generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides
>80% of its player's considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis
>which won't end until they can play a scale in tune or, in other words,
>never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.
>
>Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked
>their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy
>to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that
>it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make
>these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why do they
>drive such small cars?
>
>Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good
>into their late eighties. Although rare as hen's teeth, male harpists
>are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their
>eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind
>players into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was
>right harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing
>out of tune.
>
>Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the
>most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play
>seated, also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is
>more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that
>particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.
>
>Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do
>look good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world,
>but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty
>during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're worse than
>lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless, weaker members of the
>orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could
>intercede? Oh, I don't think so.
>
>Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they
>do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest
>headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks
>to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well,
>but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know
>just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that
>trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.
>
>The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn
>players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or
>wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They
>have nothing to live for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The
>pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they
>don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so
>sweet.
>
>The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart.
>They'd give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most
>interesting to take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that
>there's only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different.
>
>And finally -- the percussion. These standoffish fools who get paid
>perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't
>deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside
>from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep
>South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no
>written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory.
>Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them -- to look
>at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they
>damn well feel like it and it's always too loud! The ones with a spark
>of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums. Most
>percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune
>their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped
>conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no
>Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with on
>tour. Cymbal players don't practice -- I guess they figure it's bad
>enough to have to listen to those things at the concert. Percussionists
>pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken,
>dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can
>be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation,
>where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the
>only significant challenge to a percussionist.
>
>And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened
>you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony
orchestra.
> This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day
>survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps
>now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face
>a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at
>the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the
>performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives
>are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds ... if anything.
>

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