Klarinet Archive - Posting 001769.txt from 1998/04

From: "David C. Blumberg" <reedman@-----.com>
Subj: [kl] re:my funnies
Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 15:41:16 -0400

Ok, here is my contribution to the Joke stuff:

Items from music exams:

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Neda, who is the one he really
loves. Pretty soon, Silvio gets stabbed also and they all live happily ever
after.

Caruso was the first Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he
would go a long way. And so he came to America.

Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings
attached.

The principle singer of 19th-century opera was called pre-Madonna.

At one time singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since
synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they
sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the
Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter Suite,
and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. In defining musical terms, they also
demonstrate that they know their brass from their oboe.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing
without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and
the McCoys.

A harp is a nude piano.

An oboe is an American tramp (written by a British student).

A Stradivarius is a prehistoric animal.

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people
seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

The main trouble with a French horn is that it is too tangled up.

An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a
pitchfork.

Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of
playing a piece.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better
not try to sing.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for
her church music.

Henry Purcell was a well-know composer few people have ever heard of.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large.

Beethoven wrote three symphonies the Third, the Fifth, and the Ninth. He
wrote music even though he was deaf. Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this. Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he
would be celebrating the 165th anniversary of his death?

Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead.

David Blumberg
reedman@-----.com
http://www.sneezy.org/clarinet/Music/Blumberg.html
http://www.sneezy.org/clarinet/Sponsors/index.html

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