Klarinet Archive - Posting 000681.txt from 1997/12

From: mac720@-----. Cullen)
Subj: 12 Days of Christmas
Date: Fri, 12 Dec 1997 22:28:31 -0500

Hi, I thought you would all enjoy this!!! it is quite humorous !!
Matt
( when replying do not reply to all recipients...there would be alot of
angry clarinetists)

The Twelve Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972
My Dearest Darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge
in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred
times for
thinking of me this way.

My
love always,

Agnes

December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.

All
my love,

Agnes

December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagent one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.

All my
love,

Agnes

December 17, 1973
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.

Affec
tionately,

Agnes

December 18, 1972
Dear John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one
for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were begining to get on my nerves.

All
my love,

Agnes

December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were six geese laying eggs on my
front
steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where
will
I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through all
the racket. Please stop.

Cordi
ally,

Agnes

December 20, 1972
Dear John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming.
What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not
funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Since
rely,

Agnes

December 21, 1972
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
eight
maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a
milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over
the
lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agne
s

December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing.
And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since
they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping
all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors
have
started a petition to evict me.

You'l
l get yours,

Agne
s

December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't
sleep and have diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. City Hall
has
subpoenaed me to explain why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm
calling the police on you,

Agnes

December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies?
Some
of those bastards will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds
were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied.

Your
sworn enemy,

Agne
s

December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to adknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendents have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With
this letter please find attatched a warrent for your arrest.

Cordia
lly,

Law
Office of Badger,

Bende
r and Chole

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