Klarinet Archive - Posting 001103.txt from 1997/11

From: "Craig E. G. Countryman" <cegc@-----.net>
Subj: Some much needed HUMOR!
Date: Sat, 29 Nov 1997 18:36:00 -0500

After a seemingly endless day of debate, at least for me anyway, I
thought I'd share some good humor I've run across...

"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."=20
--Rossini=20

"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."=20
-- Mark Twain=20

"A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done."=20

"A drummer is a musician's best friend."=20
from a Martin Mull album.=20

"The present day composer refuses to die."=20
-- Edgar Varese=20

"Beethoven had an ear for music."=20
-- anonymous=20

"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is
two."=20
-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce=20

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.=20

How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one. (Also useful for Oboe and Bassoon players).

What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an
augmented chord?=20
A demented chord.=20

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.=20

Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.=20

How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?=20
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?=20

A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass
player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal,
someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run
to grab it. Who gets it?=20

The second violinist, because:=20
1.No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.=20
2.There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.=20
3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.=20

A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He
looked at the selections:
Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb

He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher
replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound
of brains?"=20

How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.=20

How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?
Miss a lot of notes...=20

Some definitions of marching band terms:
DIVINE COMEDY: Watching the drum major attempt to keep a correct tempo.=20
DR. BEAT: A form of cruel and unusual punishment (violation of the 8th
Amendment) that is bestowed over a loudspeaker when working on
already-learned music.
DRILL-DOWN: When band geeks follow long sets of commands from the drum
major, just to see who can do it, in an attempt at fun.
DRUM CAPTAIN: The leader of the percussion section who=92s main
requirement for the job is to not be able to hold a steady tempo.
DYNAMICS: Either loud or louder (volume).
F.C.P.L.: A brass dynamic marking that stands for =93Forget Control - Pla=
y
Loud!=94
FLUTE: An un-tuned device for people who want to be in the band who have
weak arms and don@-----.
FULL UNIFORM: A form of torture consisting of Urkel pants, a heavy wool
jacket, a choking ugly hat (with that strikingly beautiful plume), and
circulation-stopping suspenders.
FUND-RAISERS: Opportunities provided throughout the year for the adult
staff to yell at band members while making a few extra bucks on the
side.
HALT: A time when everyone is theoretically stopped.
HELL: Inferno, Saturday rehearsals, and camp food.
INSTRUCTOR: Person who tells you when you@-----.
MUSIC: 1. Papers which contain little black lines and dots with strange
symbols that somehow show what the music is to sound like. 2. The
succession of these notes that, in theory, should sound good.
Unfortunately, we@-----.
PARADE-REST: A form of relaxation while standing up. Little talking, but
some required to keep band geeks sane.
OBOE: A double-reed instrument only used in time of desperate need and
crisis.
PICCOLO: A high-pitched instrument similar to that of the flute, only
you can actually hear that it@-----.
RAIN: Nature@-----.
SFZ-PIANO-CRESCENDO: The act of blatting, stopping, then blasting.
SOUSAPHONE: An instrument that adds bass to the band. Can play any note
as long as it@-----.
SQUEAK: The only sign that the woodwind reeds give that they are
actually playing.
STAFF: Adult leaders who arrange music, write drill, etc., but do not
perform in order to avoid embarrassment from their own creations.
STANDING: What the brass-line does at band camp. Woodwinds do not
accomplish this feat due to their weak legs (in most cases). There are a
few exceptions to this weakness, but they don@-----.
WOODWINDS: 1. A true sign that God has a sense of humor. 2. A biological
mistake.

Check out these sites for the complete version of where I took these
from:
http://www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes/
http://members.aol.com/cathexisad/
http://www.primenet.com/~luckycat/mjmain.htm
http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/5570/jokes.html
http://www.geocities.com/Vienna/9044/
http://charon.sfsu.edu/disaster.html
http://hubcap.clemson.edu/~alevin/Bloopers.html
http://members.aol.com/BenWhite/banddict.htm

--=20
Craig Countryman =09
1998 Florida 11th and 12th Grade All-State Band
ICQ Uin: 1106304 =20

Point to Ponder:

"Justice is a certain rectitude of mind
whereby a man does what he ought to
do in circumstances confronting him."
-St. Thomas Aquinas