Klarinet Archive - Posting 001336.txt from 1997/10

From: "Craig E. G. Countryman" <cegc@-----.net>
Subj: Some (Much Needed) Marching Band Humor
Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 22:16:11 -0500

Definitions of musical instruments, terms, etc...

TIME: A way to keep the band continuously out of step.
AIR-BAND: A form of enforced hyper-ventilation (a violation of the 8th
Amendment@-----.
ALTO SAXOPHONE: A musical instrument that either plays very loud or not
at all between squeaks.
ARC: A shape with between one and five corners and one open side.
ASSISTANT DRUM MAJOR: Takes over for drum major when not available. See
drum major.
ATTENTION: Standing still while sticking out your butt. Can only talk in
whispers so that no captains or other leaders hear you.
AUXILLARY: See color-guard.
BAIL: That which one does on a wet field. Usually, the person winds up
on
the ground.
BAND CAMP*: A gathering of most band geeks (including color guard) for
six days during August where they learn how to hunt raccoons and sneak
out of cabins in search of real food (such as the Pepsi machine.) The
Pepsi brings together the biggest collection of 1=92s and quarters you=92=
ve
ever seen!
BAND GEEK: Someone who is very enthusiastic and involved in band.
Willing to give up all free time.
BAND JACKET: 1. Status symbol. 2. Proclamation of true geekdom.
BAND PARTY: A gathering of Band Geeks where they can wear their Band
Jackets, play cards and capture-the-flag, and complain about the latest
rehearsal and upcoming competitions (see respective underlined
references).
BARI-SAXOPHONE: An instrument for woodwind players who want to play like
a tuba.
BARITONE: 1. A device for doubling with trombones except using the right
notes. 2. A device for playing during silence.
BELL-DINGING: A physical symbol of a mistake made in the last move.
Usually followed by @-----.
BELL-FRONT INSTRUMENT: Always brass. Directional instruments designed to
play extremely loud. See Marching French Horn, Trumpet, Trombone,
Sousaphone, Contra, (Marching) Baritone.
BRAIN FART: A mistake involving an escape of gaseous substances from the
head usually in conjunction with missing a set.
BRASS: Devices designed to over-blow and blast. See also trumpet, French
horn, sousaphone, trombone, contra, and/or (marching) baritone.
CADENCE: A way of making the crowd forget the parade march the band just
played that impresses people. Good time for band section visuals.
CAPTAIN: Leader of a section who tries to keep their section out of
complete chaos in order to make themselves look good.
CAPTURE-THE-FLAG: A way of summoning the local police (including
helicopter).
CHEAP HIGH: A form of rhythmic hyper-ventilation done for fun.
CIRCLE: A closed shape with definite corners and edges.
CLARINET: A device which, when used properly, will cause the user=92s
shoulders to point towards the end-zone.
COLOR-GUARD: People (usually/hopefully females) who swing flags and toss
rifles to distract the audience=92s attention away
from the band. Makes the band seem better. Get extra credit if they hit
(accidentally, of course) a band member, yet defied if they hit a field
judge.
COMPANY FRONT: A zigzag line within a certain area of the field, such as
a hash: ~~~~~~
COMPETITION: 1. A general gathering of bands so everyone can prove that
they=92re bette thanr(fill in worst band you know) (why do we keep
trying?)
2. A place where public displays of affection are appropriate.
CONDUCTOR: The person in the front who waves his arms and dances wildly
to the music. Constantly marks time during halts.
CONTRA: A tuba that is snapped onto and off of the player@-----.
Designed to build up arm muscles and decrease brain activity. A name
that
is sexier than "Sousaphone."
DCI: Drum corps championship series. Extremely rough comparison: If
(fill in worst band you know) is a green Pinto, DCI is a Lambourghini.
DIRECTOR: The person who claims to be in charge when everything is going
well and claims denial when things go wrong.
DOLLAR BILL: A device for cleaning saxophone pads.
DOOR: A spontaneously located area of the field where you go if not
willing to participate.
DOT BOOK: A small notebook to be kept in pocket that has complex
drawings and strange numbers that people say are their spots for each
picture. Designed to keep people from learning music.
DR. BEAT: A form of cruel and unusual punishment (violation of the 8th
Amendment) that is bestowed over a loudspeaker when working on
already-learned music.
DRUM CORP.: Very similar to marching band, except for a few differences:
1)They are good. 2)No woodwinds. See DCI.
DRUM-TAP: A snare beat loud enough for the judges to hear, and quiet
enough so band doesn@-----.
DRUM-LINE: The people hitting the drums with sticks in time with each
other, but either a half beat earlier or later than the band.
DRUM MAJOR: See conductor.
DRUM: Round hollow devices with covering on the top and sometimes the
bottom. Sometimes have some sort of attachment(s) on the bottom. Loud.
DYNAMICS: Either loud or louder (volume).
EARLY: To never be. Reasoning: To be early is to be on time, while to be
on time is to be late, but to be late is to never be. Following this
through, early is to never be.
EXPONENTIAL GROWTH: The fact that when one flute graduates, two new
freshmen take her place.
FLUTE: An un-tuned device for people who want to be in the band who have
weak arms and don@-----.
FOOD: "Fuel" for band geeks. Is an attacker of performance uniforms, but
can still be eaten (in secrecy) in this state of being.
FOOTBALL TEAM: The main reason the band can=92t always use the marching
field.
FORMER BAND GEEK: A person who was in band, quit, and now returns
(usually with food) to rehearsals to watch just for fun.
FORTE: The lowest dynamic marking a brass instrument can play at.
FRENCH HORN: Only brass instrument that is played with left hand.
Involves strings in conjunction with valves and an impossibility to play
fast or loud.
FRESHMEN: Designed to make up half the size of the band.
FUND-RAISERS: Opportunities provided throughout the year for the adult
staff to yell at band members while making a few extra bucks on the
side.
GEEKDOM: The state of a band member who is willing to give up all free
time during season.
GEEKISM: Something that is related to marching band which spontaneously
happens (such as walking with friends down the
hall in step).
GRADUATED BAND GEEK: Someone who no longer attends the school or is
over-age for a drum corp., so he is no longer in the band or corp.
HALT: A time when everyone is theoretically stopped.
HARMONY: All voices except the melody and percussion.
HIGH-MARK-TIME: An action that only occurs when the marcher is standing
on mud. See mud.
HORN-POP: A method the keep the pit from going completely deaf when
brass instruments pass directly behind them by pointing bells toward the
sky. Not recommended for flutes or clarinets.
INSTRUCTOR: Person who tells you when you@-----.
INTERVAL: A space between two band members that is as random as
Gavorkna@-----.
IQ: A constant combined number that does not changes as the size of the
band does.
LATE: See @-----.
MAC TRUCK: An undefined variable for incorrect intervals.
MARCHING BARITONE: A version of a baritone based on the design of a
Marching French Horn.
MARCHING FRENCH HORN: An instrument designed to be unable to tune, kill
all freshman who attempt to keep the horn up, and make it impossible to
snap.
MARK-TIME: A time when people only move their heels (without changing
location) to some tempo, usually "to the beat of a different drum."
MELLOPHONE: A tunable version of a marching French horn (is there such a
thing?) used by drum corps and other schools. Based on a trumpet
design.
MELODY: The loudest voice, usually carried by the trumpets or piccolos.
MEZZO-FORTE: The highest dynamic marking of any woodwind excluding the
piccolo.
MOUTHPIECE: A critical piece to a brass instrument which is meant to be
dropped or thrown onto grass, loud stages, and/or sometimes mud.
Droppage
of this device often results in @-----.
MUD: A substance that the school wishes to grow and therefore waters the
field every night in hopes of increasing (see exponential growth).
NOTES: 1. Little round dots on lines that show the approximate pitch
that the instrument player tries to hit. 2. The language of
music, similar to "BASIC," "Pascal," or "C" for computers.
NUMBER A, NUMBER B, ETC.: A non-linear form of counting.
OBOE: A double-reed instrument only used in time of desperate need and
crisis.
ON TIME: To never be. See reasoning for early.
PARADE-REST: A form of relaxation while standing up. Little talking, but
some required to keep band geeks sane.
PENCIL TEST: A test, often failed by freshmen, designed to help
bell-front instrument players keep their horns up and even with the
ground.
PEP BAND: An ensemble that goes to football and basketball games with
the sole purpose of embarrassing themselves. Slouching, sitting around,
and eating is aloud. Sombreros are expected.
PERCUSSION: The group of instruments hit by sticks or mallets that keeps
some beat or other.
PIANO: A form of "air-band" playing style.
PICCOLO: A high-pitched instrument similar to that of the flute, only
you can actually hear that it@-----.
PICCOLO TRUMPET: An instrument designed to do the same job as a trumpet
with some minor enhancements - since it@-----. See also,
trumpet.
PIT: Percussion instruments that have pitches (like a piano) that play
either half a beat earlier or later than the band, opposite of
the drum line.
PSEUDO-GEEK: Somebody who isn@-----. Attends band
parties, competitions, and rehearsals. This is not to be confused with a
former band geek, or graduated band geek. See also wannabe band geek.
PUBLIC IMAGE: CENSORED
REED: A piece of wood that makes a great excuse for not playing well
(particularly for brass instruments) if broken or brand new. Usage=92s:
"Sorry, new reed," or "I broke my reed."
RIFLE*: A white-colored piece of wood used by the color guard that is
intended for injury of band or color guard members and breakage of
nails.
See also color-guard.
ROLL-STEP: How you step if your shoes are round on the bottom. Not
bouncing.
SECRET PALS: Someone who gives candy, drinks, toys, and wishes of good
luck to another member of the band. The cover is "band unity," but it=92s
really an excuse to get good stuff!
SENIOR: A source of constant guilt trips.
SFZ-PIANO-CRESCENDO: The act of blatting, stopping, then blasting.
SHOW COORDINATOR: Person who creates and draws all of the inanimate
useless objects that the band attempts to form.
=91SHUPS: Frequently called "pushups," these you do when something goes
wrong due to you. Usually done in increments or multiples of ten.
Designed as a method of self-discipline.
SITTING-AROUND: An action carried out when sitting on busses on in
sands, in which band members rely on perpetual motion to keep from
sitting in the same place for more than 30 seconds. See Pep Band,
Stands.
SLOUCHING: An action best displayed by the Pep Band and concert bands.
Even if it=92s bad for playing, it=92s great for thback!
SLOW: What is usually not supposed to happen.
SNAP: Instantly changing a horn=92s position from attention to =91horns u=
p=92
or vice-versa. Havoc for someone in front of a snapped instrument.
SOMBREROS: 1. A form of status symbolism; An expression of rank. 2. A
required piece of the Pep Band uniform. 3. Accepted dress at Band
Parties.
SOUSAPHONE: An instrument that adds bass to the band. Can play any note
as long as it@-----.
SPACE-CHORD: A chord where each member plays whatever note he feels
like. Used so that band members (especially freshmen who aren=92t used to
us) get used to what we sound like.
SPANDEX: God@-----. A privilege, not a right!
SPRINKLER(S): An offensive attacker of the pit and color guard.
SQUEAK: The only sign that the woodwind reeds give that they are
actually
playing.
STANDS: When stands are combined with Dress uniforms, all the laws of
Black Body radiation are at a maximum.
STANDING: What the brass-line does at band camp. Woodwinds do not
accomplish this feat due to their weak legs (in most cases). There are a
few exceptions to this weakness, but they don@-----.
TELEPHONE: A communication device that must be answered.
TEMPO: The correct beat, usually (but not always) carried by the
conductor.
TENOR-SAXOPHONE: An instrument similar to the bari-saxophone, except it
matches the pitch of a trombone or baritone.
TRUMPET: An instrument that is designed to make a band sound better. The
idea is that if the trumpets play loud enough, you can=92t hear the rest
of
the band, so only the trumpets=92 mistakes are heard, not everyone else=92=
s.
TROMBONE: A device with the same pitch as a baritone, except that it
uses a slide instead of valves, so it@-----.
TUBA: A concert sousaphone (see sousaphone).
TUNE: What the condition when all instruments are within half a step of
each other is called.
VALVE: A key object on most brass instruments that sticks only during
important performances.
VALVE OIL: Exquisitely tasteful with a twist of lemon. A form of
currency for brass players. Most important ingredient to a beverage
known
as "Valve Oil Daiquiri."
VISUAL: A way of keeping marching band members busy during a show. Extra
credit received if used against an on-field judge.
WANNABE BAND GEEK: Someone who hangs out with true band geeks.
WOODWINDS: 1. A true sign that God has a sense of humor. 2. A biological
mistake.

--=20
Craig Countryman =09
cegc@-----.net
http://www.geocities.com/Vienna/1711 =20

Thought of the Day:

"Instead of frittering away your vibrancy with
worry or distraction, realize you mind and body
are inextricably united. What calms and tones up one,
soothes and improves the other." -Marsha Sinetar