Klarinet Archive - Posting 000093.txt from 1997/08

From: "Diane Karius, Ph.D." <dikarius@-----.edu>
Subj: Re: Float Test and cologne/Koln
Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 13:45:54 -0400

Regarding Scott Morrow's suggestion to use gas chromatography to
identify the nature of the clarinet: I'm sorry Scott, but immunoflourscence
is clearly a much better way to determine the nature of said clarinet.
The advantages include:

1. There is much less damage to the clarinet - you need only scrape
several thin (0.000050 cm. thick @-----.000019685 in) sheets from the
bore of the clarinet. To satisfy the obsessive-compulsive nature of
most clarinet players, shavings should be taken from each joint of the
clarinet. It has been argued previously that such inconsistencies in
the bore of the clarinet would be detrimental to the tone of the
clarinet, but most of us aren't that good anyway...

2. With proper development, this process could increase the income
potential of musicians. Normally, mice are exposed to the material in
question (in this case, grenadilla or the resin of plastic clarinets).
Their immune systems respond to the foreign material by developing a
specific antibody to the substance which is then used to make the
identification. I see no reason why musicians needing to
supplement their income couldn't be used in this step- they have
plenty of blood... There is, of course, the minor detail that the
musician would have developed an antibody response (which may appear
as an allergic reaction) to the material in question, but we hardly
need concern ourselves with that.

3. If we use the right fluorescent tags, we have further economic (as
well as artistic) potential - lets say we develop antibodies to
several different molecules which are in the wood or resin. If we
tag each of those antibodies with a different fluorescent label (which
glow different colors when exposed to the appropriate light), our next
step is to expose those thin sheets of clarinet to the antibodies,
label them, put the sheets under the appropriate microscope, and
photograph the results. We can create very pretty pictures that not
only identify the nature of the clarinet, but can be sold at very high
price as fine, albeit somewhat abstract, art.

4. If you are a good enough clarinetist that the objections in #1
actually apply to you, you can send the clarinet back to the
manufacturer and complain about its tone etc... The shavings taken to
identify the nature of the clarinet should be invisible to the naked
eye (if you're at all good with an exacto knife...) and a replacement
readily made available to you.

diane k.