Klarinet Archive - Posting 000012.txt from 1997/08

From: SDM@-----. Morrow)
Subj: Re: Float Test and cologne/Koln
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 23:16:09 -0400

Neil wrote:
>I believe what we have here is the most serious challenge ever to
>Scott Morrow's reign as Klarinet's unofficial giggles peddler.
>This has got to be the funniest thread I've ever seen on the list
>in the past 5 years -- and all done with a straight face. Sheer
>genius! You've got quite a few people still wondering whether or
>not this is all for real! More, Carol! More! Brava!

I've been staying out of this because I've been enjoying this
thread immensely, but, alas, I have heard my name invoked! (Let this be a
warning for the future...!)

First of all, I have been chuckling at the absurdity of listening
to lay-people discussing technical matters that should be left only to
qualified professionals. As a scientist, I can assure you that the PROPER
way to determine the exact make-up of an instrument is as follows:
1) Remove keys (this is important, as the keys, which come into
contact with the players' fingers, might have picked up foreign particles -
like peanut butter - that could seriously skew the results.)
2) Grind it up into particles no larger than 0.00862 cm in diameter.
3) Place particles in a bomb calorimeter.
4) Vaporize sample and collect resultant gases.
5) Analyse vapour by gas chromatography.
6) Compare spectrum to those listed in Pamela Weston's "Elemental
Analysis of the Clarinet".
7) Call manufacturer.
8) Inform them that the instrument was defective and spontaneously
combusted when you tried to play the high F# using the 2nd right hand trill
key from the bottom.
9) Imply that if they do not replace the instrument (no questions
asked), you will go public with this information, prompting a world-wide
recall of all of their instruments.
10) Tell them the instrument was wood.

I would like to stress that instrumental analysis is a highly
sophisticated skill that should only be practiced by professionals who have
gone through years of training, and, thus, have earned the right to play
with neat expensive toys.

I hope this helps.

-Scott

P.S. Incidentally, for all of you who have been writing in asking how old
your clarinets are, please try the following FIRST in this order:

1) Ask it.
2) Ask it's mother.
3) Rummage around in it's sock drawer to try to find a birth certificate.
4) Cut it in half and count the rings (the rings on the holes don't count!)
5) Carbon dating.
6) Ask Klarinet.

Scott D. Morrow
Department of Biochemistry
School of Hygiene and Public Health
Johns Hopkins University
(410) 955-3631

SDM@-----.edu