Klarinet Archive - Posting 000842.txt from 1997/07

From: Robert and Deborah Shaw <theshaws@-----.net>
Subj: Re: Some Humor
Date: Sat, 26 Jul 1997 18:02:03 -0400

Nicholas Yuk Sing Yip wrote:
>
> On Thu, 24 Jul 1997, Craig E. G. Countryman wrote:
>
> > A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
> >
> > by Donn Laurence Mills
> >
> > If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might
> > include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as
> > if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The
> > following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits
> > that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods
> > depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
> >
> > 1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes
> > attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
> >
> > 2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the
> > music on the floor.
> >
> > 3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting,
> > crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is
> > under pressure.
> >
> > 4.Look the other way just before cues.
> >
> > 5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
> > Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
> >
> > 6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the
> > impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as
> > a personal favor.
> >
> > 7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity,
> > especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players:
> > drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but
> > cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several
> > seconds.
> >
> > 8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet
> > players are trained to do this from birth).
> >
> > 9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in
> > tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing
> > at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your
> > part.)
> >
> > 10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be
> > busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and
> > disappointing.
> >
> > 11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know
> > you don't have the music.
> >
> > 12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
> >
> > 13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
> > sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
> >
> > 14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the
> > piece. Imply that he could learn athing or two from it. Also good: ask
> > "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
> >
> > 15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake
> > your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say
> > anything: make him wonder.
> >
> > 16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same
> > phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct
> > until backstage just before the concert.
> >
> > 17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that
> > others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
> >
> > 18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better
> > yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he
> > is keeping you from doing something really important.
> >
> and....
> 19. While the conductor is talking, tune your instrument, so he could
> talk louder.
>
> 20. Do not practice your parts, so you can make him feel like he has a
> job.

I think that my church orchestra has read this one!!!

Deborah