Klarinet Archive - Posting 000841.txt from 1997/07

From: Nicholas Yuk Sing Yip <nyip@-----.edu>
Subj: Re: Some Humor
Date: Sat, 26 Jul 1997 17:28:22 -0400

On Thu, 24 Jul 1997, Craig E. G. Countryman wrote:

> A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
>
> by Donn Laurence Mills
>
> If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might
> include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as
> if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The
> following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits
> that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods
> depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
>
> 1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes
> attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
>
> 2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the
> music on the floor.
>
> 3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting,
> crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is
> under pressure.
>
> 4.Look the other way just before cues.
>
> 5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
> Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
>
> 6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the
> impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as
> a personal favor.
>
> 7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity,
> especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players:
> drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but
> cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several
> seconds.
>
> 8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet
> players are trained to do this from birth).
>
> 9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in
> tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing
> at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your
> part.)
>
> 10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be
> busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and
> disappointing.
>
> 11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know
> you don't have the music.
>
> 12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
>
> 13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
> sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
>
> 14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the
> piece. Imply that he could learn athing or two from it. Also good: ask
> "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
>
> 15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake
> your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say
> anything: make him wonder.
>
> 16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same
> phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct
> until backstage just before the concert.
>
> 17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that
> others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
>
> 18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better
> yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he
> is keeping you from doing something really important.
>
and....
19. While the conductor is talking, tune your instrument, so he could
talk louder.

20. Do not practice your parts, so you can make him feel like he has a
job.