Klarinet Archive - Posting 000204.txt from 1997/05

From: Starr/John <starrs@-----.net>
Subj: musical/country-western humor
Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 08:32:39 -0400

The following is sort of funny. Just delete it if your not in the mood
to read a few humorous definitions.

Starr

> Subject: For all those who love country... and especially those who don't
>
> Musical Terms and Country and Western Definitions
>
> Diminished Fifth - An empty bottle of Jack Daniel's
>
> Perfect Fifth - A full bottle of Jack Daniel's
>
> Augmented Fifth - A bottle of Jack Daniels and a 6-pack of Bud
>
> Ritard - There is one in every family
>
> Relative Major - An uncle in the Marine Corps
>
> Relative Minor - A girl friend
>
> Big Band - When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
>
> Pianissimo - "Refill this beer bottle"
>
> Repeat - What you do until they expel you
>
> Treble - Women ain't nothing but
>
> Bass - The things you run around in softball
>
> Portamento - A foreign country you've always wanted to see
>
> Conductor - The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
>
> Arpeggio - "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows"
>
> Tempo - A good choice for a used car
>
> A 440 - The highway that runs around Nashville
>
> Transpositions - Men who wear dresses
>
> Cut time - Parole
>
> Order of Sharps - What a wimp gets at the bar
>
> Passing Tones - Frequently heard near the baked beans at a family BBQ
>
> Middle C - The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
>
> Perfect Pitch - The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
>
> Tuba - A compound word: "Hey woman!, fetch me another tuba Brylcream"
>
> Cadenza - That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when
> company comes
>
> Whole Note - What's due after failing to pay the mortgage after a year
>
> Clef - What you try never to fall off of
>
> Bass Clef - Where you wind up if you do fall off
>
> Altos - Not to be confused with " Tom's Toes", "Bubba's Toes", or
> "Dori-toes"
>
> Minor Third - Your approximate age and grade at the completion of a
> formal schooling
>
> Melodic Minor - Loretta Lynn's singing dad
>
> 12- tone sca-up trucks can haul
>
> Sonata - What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
>
> Clarinet - Name used on your second daughter if you already used Betty Jo
>
> Cello - The proper way to answer the phone
>
> Bassoon - Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
>
> French Horn - Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in
> at 4 AM
>
> Cymbal - What they use on deer crossing signs, so you know what to sight
> your pistol with
>
> Bossa Nova - The car your foreman drives
>
> Time Signature - What you need from your boss when you forget to clock in
>
> First Inversion - Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
>
> Staccato - How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home
>
> Major Scale - What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn,
> that was a Major Scale"
>
> Aolean Mode - How you like mama's cherry pie
>
> Bach Chorale - The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

   
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