Klarinet Archive - Posting 000929.txt from 1997/04

From: April <ashallen@-----.edu>
Subj: Something silly.... warining to the humor impaired! :-)
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 10:38:07 -0400

Okay... so it's a bit off topic... but things are getting a bit too
serious in here with all this marching band discussion! :-) Thought you
fellow music lovers might get a laugh out of these because I sure did!

Enjoy!

April

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April J. Shallenberg
University of Arkansas
e-mail: ashallen@-----.edu
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* * *

* Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians *
* With Their Translated "Country" Definitions *

Author unknown.

- 12 Tone Scale The thing the State Police weigh your tractor
trailer truck with

- A 440 The highway that runs around Nashville

- Aeolian Mode How you like Mama's cherry pie

- Altos Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's
toes" or "Dori-toes"

- Arpeggio "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose
that grows?"

- Bach Chorale The place behind the barn where you keep the
horses

- Bass The things you run around in softball

- Bassoon Typical response when asked what you hope to
catch, and when

- Big Band When the bar pays enough to bring two
banjo players

- Bossa Nova The car your foreman drives

- Cadenza That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog
hair off of when company comes

- Cello The proper way to answer the phone

- Clarinet Name for your second daughter if you've already
used Betty Jo

- Clef What you try never to fall off of

- Bass Clef Where you wind up if you do fall off

- Conductor The man who punches your ticket to
Birmingham

- Cut Time Parole

- Cymbal What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know
what to sight-in your pistol with

- Diminished Fifth An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

- First Inversion Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

- Major Scale What you say after chasing wild game up a
mountain: "Whew! That was a major scale!"

- Melodic Minor Loretta Lynn's singing dad

- Minor Third Your approximate age and grade at the
completion of formal schooling

- Order of Sharps What a wimp gets at the bar

- Passing Tone Frequently heard near the baked beans at
family barbecues

- Perfect Fifth A full bottle of Jack Daniels

- Perfect Pitch The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

- Pianissimo "Refill this beer bottle"

- Portamento A foreign country you've always wanted to see

- Quarter Tone What most standard pickups can haul

- Relative Major An uncle in the Marine Corps

- Relative Minor A girlfriend

- Repeat What you do until they just expel you

- Ritard There's one in every family

- Sonata What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

- Staccato How you did all the ceilings in your
mobile home

- Tempo Good choice for a used car

- Time Signature What you need from your boss if you forget
to clock in

- Transpositions Men who wear dresses

- Treble Women ain't nothin' but

- Tuba A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another
tuba Bryll Cream!"

- Whole Note What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for
a year