Klarinet Archive - Posting 000898.txt from 1997/02

From: David Garcia <daevid@-----.NET>
Subj: Other side
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 04:40:05 -0500

> I have been on Klarinet for about a month now and would like to foster
discussion with regardto EMPLOYMENT; both general preferences and
specifically in regard to military bands. I havenever seen a question
regarding employment. My interest is personal and professional. I have
been a clarinetist with an Air Force band for ten years having entered
at age 27 after taking the slow track to a BMusEd degree, teaching, and
playing with part-time regional orchestras.
Part of my job is to advertise for vacancies with "my" Air Force band.
I have this sense that performing in a military band is considered by
the musical world to be akin to being a rodeo clown or a half
musician-half mercenary centaur. I'm not a recuiter or a
salesperson by nature or vocation but, on occasion, I ask why things
happen. Aftersending thousands of clarinet audition flyers, dozens of
print ads (International Musician),faxes, and e-mails, you could count
the number of responses on one hand, or hoof. It's the Maytag thing
almost. It could be my deeply cynical outlook on life or your run of the
mill paranoia but let's say for the purposes of discussion that I'm
right and military music is
stigmatized. It's possible.

SURVEY PARAMETERS:
WARNING. I may choose to answer my own questions to inform, to share, or
for some generally nobler, higher purpose. I still get to have an
opinion, even if it is from the other side.
****My comments do not offically represent the Air Force or any other
service****I mean no disrepect to anyone or anything. I like my job but
I will not misrepresent my job for any purpose. Please suffer the
humor, sarcasm, etc.(it keeps me awake) Your responses are important
because musical lives are at stake. Answers will not be used for evil.
When was the last time you got a really long question? So on to the
history-making survey!!!!!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY I (your name)WOULD NOT SEEK EMPLOYMENT WITH AN
AIR FORCE OR OTHER MILITARY BAND "PROGRAM."
Help me out here, it could mean a medal or a reprimand,(it's a joke.)
If we can talk about mpc.cheese, this is brie. Could be fun.
Here are some sample answers to help.
Where appropriate add the word "sucks"
which will be coded as ***** so as to be mannerly.

(In no apparent order)

1. Military bands suck.
a. With the exception of special bands (each member carries a
mark)
b. Only Army bands ****.
c. They are all the same, and they all ****.
d. You are surrounded by moron-hacker-****ers who lust for you.
OTHER SIDE: How do you know which ones *****? 98% of instrumentalists in
this band have undergrad degrees, about one-third have graduate
degree.We shoot the doctorals on sight but only after they flunk their
audition. Is it cold in here? Granted, there are a lot of degrees out
there. Resumes make good light reading. Anyhow,I found my second wife in
a band. We can't talk about music though--way too intimate.

3. Basic Training *****.
a. I didn't like camp and this sounds even more sadistic. Have
you seen Full Metal Jacket?
b. It's not worth it? You couldn't pay me. Well, how much are
we talking here?
c. You're never the same afterwards.
OTHER SIDE: It ***** but it passes. Strangely enough nobody ever seems
to fail. Bright side? Ididn't have to go to a military school of music
afterwards. My feet have not spoken to me since, though. It's a great
source for stories to tell in the hotel bar. Didn't seem to effect
me enough. I thought it would cure my slovenly ways.

4. I believe the military music environment to be basically anathema to
the creation of art.
a. WAAAAY too many marches!!!
b. Don't like ceremonies, rituals, or even habits.
c. I don't like clubs, teams, or dressing like someone else.
Military has no fashion sense.
d. Orchestras rule and even when they ****, Beethoven *****less
than bad marches.
OTHER SIDE: Last year, mmm ...I went to two conventions, made
two recordings, performed 85 concerts on five tours including woodwind
quintet. Some marches will eat your lunch. Why isn't there a "circus"
tempo on my metronome. Repertoire is standard Concert Band. But, hey,
when I play Nelhybel--like butter, you would weep AND can I swing...
like a dead monkey. Cruelty-free here. Yes, two to three marches per
concert, and a few "pops" numbers--nothing an orchestra couldn't handle.
I played 2 ceremonies last year. In never met a memory march that I
couldn't forget long term.

5. Don't forget the pay, which, by the way *****.
OTHER SIDE: Starting pay is between 19 and 20K but you get FREE REEDS
and free teeth cleaning.

6. Too physical.
a. I don't like grunting, sweating, moving quickly, or
challenging the supreme authority of gravity. I don't like playing with
guns, knives or choke holds
b. There is no b.
OTHER SIDE: If you support correctly, clarinet-playing is like running a
marathon!!! Allclarinetists are basically stationary triathletes.
Personally, I would like to see only onehump in my shadow.

7. I don't want to live in a dorm, barracks, or whatever.
OTHER SIDE: You forgot caves. We all live in issued yellow submarines.
Very few people choose to live "on-base" and they are usually the ones
that retire with real money. You get money to live among the general
population. Can you say apartment? Sorry, that was snippy.

8. Four year commitment.
a. Can't miss those audition opportunities. Someone might...
no,
I won't say it. Someone might ...retire.
b. They call me the gigmaster.
c. C'mon, actors wait tables and musicians are bank tellers.
OTHER SIDE: Did someone say the C-word. I play much better than I did
four years ago but, then again, everyone else played better than I did
four years ago.

9. They treat you like spam. Isn't the military militaristic?
OTHER SIDE: Disney is militaristic. McDonalds is militaristic. That
clown is scary. Not tomention calculating, manipulative, and exceedingly
profit-driven. Productivity is best when itis voluntary. I work with
creative people who respond best to opportunity, challenge,
accountability, and donuts. The musicians I work with are there to
improve. That benefits them and the Air Force.
10. It's not me.
OS: Best answer.
No one can stop anyone from assuming anything but we can stop ourselves
from asking questions. There are, I suspect, all sorts of cliches,
misconceptions, and stereotypes that obscure clear
thought. I'd love to hear some. Military music is a niche within a
niche. I've, perhaps, made some assumptions, myself about you. But, I'm
one of you also. I lick the reed, I stick the reed, and I get paid to do
it. This is not a commercial. It's a question. For those of you
thatthink it is much too long a question...what can I say. Some people
drink only Bud Light. Thank you. I promise not to do this ever again, or
at least too soon. It's late, can't spell. I'm outa here.

daevid@-----.net
Don't ****