Klarinet Archive - Posting 000250.txt from 1997/01

From: Sherri <sheba@-----.NET>
Subj: (Fwd) Fwd: Something to keep everyone amused: A Player's
Date: Sun, 19 Jan 1997 13:50:27 -0500

I received a copy of this many years ago. When I went to perform with an
Intercollegiate Wind Band, there was a copy on every music stand. I had
since lost that paper copy, but wouldn't you know here it is ......

------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 1997 03:34:16 -0500 (EST)
From: RFrank9999@-----.com
jefran19@-----.net,
LFRANK@-----.net
Subject: Fwd: Something to keep everyone amused: A Player's Guide for
Keeping Conductors

enjoy...

RE: Something to keep everyone amused: A Player's Guide for Keeping
Conductors in Line

A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line

by Donn Laurence Mills

1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch
takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it
belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and
spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting,
crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is
under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
Percussion players must *never* have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the
impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as
a personnal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity,
especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players:
drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but
cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several
seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses. (horn, oboe
and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth.)
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in
tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing
at the time. (if your conductor catches you, pretend to be correcting a
note in your part)
10. At dramatic moment in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be
busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and
disappointing.
11. Wait until well into the rehearsal to let the conductor know you
don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. Ask the conductor if they have listened to the Bernstein recording of
the piece. Imply that they could learn a thing or two from it. Also
good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake
your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say
anything: make them wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same
phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct
until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal 15 minutes early so that others
will become restless and start to pick up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better
yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel as
if they are keeping you from doing something really important.

It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life:
just who do condustors think they are, anyway?

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-Sherri mailto:sheba@-----.net
This is the sig for January 19, 1997; Day 19 of 365
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I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to live like one.
- Joe E. Lewis
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Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law.
Let me know if this message doesn't get through to you.
Sound really has almost nothing to do with true music.
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