Klarinet Archive - Posting 000034.txt from 1996/11

From: Everett Austin <austine@-----.EDU>
Subj: Re: Reed Hardness Demystified :-)
Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 02:39:13 -0500

Reminds me of my high school history teacher's method of grading term
papers: throw them all up the stairs and grade in proportion to their
subsequent descent, the lower weightier ones getting the best grade!
Everett Austin
On
Fri, 1 Nov 1996, Scott D. Morrow wrote:

> There has been a lot of misunderstanding about what "reed hardness" really
> means. Allow me to continue this trend:
>
> First of all, we should keep in mind the following (until just now)
> proprietary equations:
> 1) reed hardness = reed strength
> 2) strength = power
> 3) power = bleach, borax, and brighteners
> 4) men who do laundry = commodity
>
> >From these equations, we find:
> A good reed = hard to find
>
> Two hundred years ago, the major reed manufacturers completely
> threw out this scientific method for reed classification in favour of a
> more readily quantifiable mechanical method. The method works as follows:
>
> 1) the reed is stood on end
> 2) the reed is smashed with a rock
>
> Further mathematical manipulation of this data shows that no
> information whatsoever can be gleaned from this procedure . However, as
> reedmaking entered the electronic age, the reed manufacturers where able to
> improve this method as follows:
>
> 1) the reed is stood on end
> 2) ultra-sensitive sensors are attached to the reed at 67 stress points and
> interfaced with a powerful computer that can measure the deviations of the
> cane fibers to within 3 angstroms in 5 dimensions.
> 3) the reed is smashed with a rock
>
> The results of these tests proved beyond doubt that smashing the
> reed with a rock was a very fast way to completely destroy expensive
> ultra-sensitive sensors. The reedmakers were forced to abandon this
> technique (although it is still used to test ultra-sensitive sensors) and
> replace it with the following one:
>
> 1) the reed is carried to the roof of the Vandoren Building (only one of
> the ten elevators works)
> 2) the reed is dropped off the roof into the parking lot
> 3) If the reed falls into the box labelled "3", it is a #3 reed; if it
> lands in the box labelled "4", it is a #4 reed, etc.
> 4) Any reed that misses the box completely is put into a box labelled "hand
> picked".
>
> I hope this helps to clear up any misunderstandings!
>
> -Scott
>
> Scott D. Morrow
> Department of Biochemistry
> School of Hygiene and Public Health
> Johns Hopkins University
> (410)-955-3631
>
> SDM@-----.edu
>