Klarinet Archive - Posting 000012.txt from 1996/11

From: Jonathan Cohler <cohler@-----.NET>
Subj: Re: Reed Hardness Demystified :-)
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:33:58 -0500

Scott,

Thank you for finally clarifying this puzzling issue!

I feel much better now. :-)

-----------------------
Jonathan Cohler
cohler@-----.net

At 9:12 AM 11/1/96, Scott D. Morrow wrote:
>There has been a lot of misunderstanding about what "reed hardness" really
>means. Allow me to continue this trend:
>
>First of all, we should keep in mind the following (until just now)
>proprietary equations:
>1) reed hardness = reed strength
>2) strength = power
>3) power = bleach, borax, and brighteners
>4) men who do laundry = commodity
>
>>From these equations, we find:
> A good reed = hard to find
>
> Two hundred years ago, the major reed manufacturers completely
>threw out this scientific method for reed classification in favour of a
>more readily quantifiable mechanical method. The method works as follows:
>
>1) the reed is stood on end
>2) the reed is smashed with a rock
>
> Further mathematical manipulation of this data shows that no
>information whatsoever can be gleaned from this procedure . However, as
>reedmaking entered the electronic age, the reed manufacturers where able to
>improve this method as follows:
>
>1) the reed is stood on end
>2) ultra-sensitive sensors are attached to the reed at 67 stress points and
>interfaced with a powerful computer that can measure the deviations of the
>cane fibers to within 3 angstroms in 5 dimensions.
>3) the reed is smashed with a rock
>
> The results of these tests proved beyond doubt that smashing the
>reed with a rock was a very fast way to completely destroy expensive
>ultra-sensitive sensors. The reedmakers were forced to abandon this
>technique (although it is still used to test ultra-sensitive sensors) and
>replace it with the following one:
>
>1) the reed is carried to the roof of the Vandoren Building (only one of
>the ten elevators works)
>2) the reed is dropped off the roof into the parking lot
>3) If the reed falls into the box labelled "3", it is a #3 reed; if it
>lands in the box labelled "4", it is a #4 reed, etc.
>4) Any reed that misses the box completely is put into a box labelled "hand
>picked".
>
>I hope this helps to clear up any misunderstandings!
>
>-Scott
>
>Scott D. Morrow
>Department of Biochemistry
>School of Hygiene and Public Health
>Johns Hopkins University
>(410)-955-3631
>
>SDM@-----.edu