Klarinet Archive - Posting 000009.txt from 1996/11

From: "Scott D. Morrow" <SDM@-----.EDU>
Subj: Reed Hardness Demystified :-)
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:23:42 -0500

There has been a lot of misunderstanding about what "reed hardness" really
means. Allow me to continue this trend:

First of all, we should keep in mind the following (until just now)
proprietary equations:
1) reed hardness = reed strength
2) strength = power
3) power = bleach, borax, and brighteners
4) men who do laundry = commodity

>From these equations, we find:
A good reed = hard to find

Two hundred years ago, the major reed manufacturers completely
threw out this scientific method for reed classification in favour of a
more readily quantifiable mechanical method. The method works as follows:

1) the reed is stood on end
2) the reed is smashed with a rock

Further mathematical manipulation of this data shows that no
information whatsoever can be gleaned from this procedure . However, as
reedmaking entered the electronic age, the reed manufacturers where able to
improve this method as follows:

1) the reed is stood on end
2) ultra-sensitive sensors are attached to the reed at 67 stress points and
interfaced with a powerful computer that can measure the deviations of the
cane fibers to within 3 angstroms in 5 dimensions.
3) the reed is smashed with a rock

The results of these tests proved beyond doubt that smashing the
reed with a rock was a very fast way to completely destroy expensive
ultra-sensitive sensors. The reedmakers were forced to abandon this
technique (although it is still used to test ultra-sensitive sensors) and
replace it with the following one:

1) the reed is carried to the roof of the Vandoren Building (only one of
the ten elevators works)
2) the reed is dropped off the roof into the parking lot
3) If the reed falls into the box labelled "3", it is a #3 reed; if it
lands in the box labelled "4", it is a #4 reed, etc.
4) Any reed that misses the box completely is put into a box labelled "hand
picked".

I hope this helps to clear up any misunderstandings!

-Scott

Scott D. Morrow
Department of Biochemistry
School of Hygiene and Public Health
Johns Hopkins University
(410)-955-3631

SDM@-----.edu