Klarinet Archive - Posting 000288.txt from 1996/09

From: "Scott D. Morrow" <SDM@-----.EDU>
Subj: Blind Test-The Results At Last! :-)
Date: Sat, 14 Sep 1996 23:37:22 -0400

After reading through all the discussion about scientifically
testing whether people are able to detect the difference between different
makes/models of clarinets, I decided to solve the problem once and for all.
After obtaining approval from NIH, I conducted the following
experiment, which, I believe, will even convince Dan Leeson:

Experimental Procedure:
1) 146 orchestra conductors were strapped into chairs in separate,
sound-proof, temperature-controlled practice rooms. (Note: orchestra
conductors were used because NIH now has many restrictions concerning the
use of laboratory rats.)
2) 27 electrodes were inserted into the major information-processing
centers of the conductors' brains and attached, via computer interface, to
a visual imaging detector.
3) High-fidelity headsets were fitted over both ears, and background
noise was masked by the the use of negative wavelength counter-oscillators.
4) Subjects were rendered sightless by inserting red-hot pokers into their
eyes.
5) Internationally-recognized clarinet virtuosi took turns playing various
makes and models of clarinets, utilising the same reed and mouthpiece, and
wearing the same Groucho glasses/nose/moustache, in a professional sound
studio on another floor of the same building. The sound was piped through
heavily shielded high-quality sound cables to the headsets in half of the
practice rooms.
6) As a control, the other half of the practice rooms heard a recording of
only one clarinetist playing a single instrument, repeated thirty times.
7) The brain images were analysed to detect matching signals between
instruments, and correllated with previous studies of pain/pleasure regions
of the brain.

Results:
1) 94% of the conductors could not distinguish between a Buffet R-13 and a
LeBlanc Concerto
2) 97% of the conductors could not tell the difference between an Buffet
R-13 and a Fisher-Price "My First Clarinet".
3) 99% of the conductors didn't even pay attention to the music at all,
instead writhing in their seats shouting "Aaaghh!! My eyes! My eyes!"

Conclusion:
Relying on strictly objective, scientific data in a controlled
experiment, it is my conclusion that orchestras play much better when the
conductor is strapped in a chair in a practice room and has red-hot pokers
jabbed in the eyes.

(This research was funded, in part, by the Orchestra Players' Union.)

I hope this helps answer the question.

-Scott

Scott D. Morrow
Department of Biochemistry
School of Hygiene and Public Health
Johns Hopkins University
(410)-955-3631

SDM@-----.edu