Klarinet Archive - Posting 000017.txt from 1996/05

From: Benjamin Maas <bm004e@-----.EDU>
Subj: conductors (fwd)
Date: Wed, 1 May 1996 17:01:50 -0400

I got this off of a newsnet newsgroup this afternoon. I thought it was
particularly funny so I thought that I would pass it along to everybody on
the list. I hope it can lighten a few people's days up out there!

Ben Maas

>
> HOW TO COOK A CONDUCTOR
>
> Ingredients:
>
> One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
> Ketchup
> 26 large garlic cloves
> Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
> 1 cask cheap wine
> 1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
> 2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt
> One abused Orchestra
>
> First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the
> large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent
> loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard.
> Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your
> conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have
> such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the
> Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the
> body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony
> Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding
> the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor
> between two large cymbals.
>
> Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in
> the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some
> Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and
> the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the
> Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be
> wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with
> the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every
> inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun,
> you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.
>
>
> Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold
> without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud
> passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and
> lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse
> these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are
> always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their
> highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your
> Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the
> second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your
> repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with
> no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the
> original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you
> and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this
> score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn
> he complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
>
>
> When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on
> top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is
> well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has
> dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up
> tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and
> ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth.
> If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as
> you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the
> remaining wine with the sauce on the side.
>
> WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas,
> such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture,
> and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and
> other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for
> Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be
> limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated
> in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever."
> Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the
> extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive
> longevity.
>

--
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*Benjamin Maas * "It's as if the country is built on*
*Student, Eastman School of Music * a slant: everything loose rolls *
*bm004e@-----. Mencken *
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