Klarinet Archive - Posting 000715.txt from 1995/12
From: Michael D Moors - Alpena <mdmoors@-----.US>
Subj: Instrument Jokes (fwd)
Date: Fri, 29 Dec 1995 09:49:11 -0500
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Sorry, I could resist passing these jokes on. I figured if it made a few=
=20
people smile it would be worth it.
Mike Moors
=20
> Acknowledgement
>=20
> These jokes are a continually-growing collection, and unfortunately, I
> can no longer remember which jokes I heard from whom. If you have ever
> told, emailed, or otherwise communicated to me a music joke, thank
> you.
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Strings
>=20
> Violin Jokes
>=20
> What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
> There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the
> violinist's head is so much bigger.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A fiddle is fun to listen to.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why are viola jokes so short?
> So violinists can understand them.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
> The dog knows when to stop scratching.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
> None. They can't get up that high!
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
> Both are offensive and inaccurate.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why don't viola players suffer from piles (h=E6morrhoids)?
> Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
> No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
> Violins don't have spit valves.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
> You might bend the nail.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my
> violin."
>=20
> His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by
> a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room
> on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
>=20
> Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint:
> "Write your repertoire."
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at
> the defendant.
>=20
> "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son
> violin lessons last winter."
>=20
> "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Viola Jokes
>=20
> Viola jokes are on my viola jokes page.
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> 'Cello Jokes
>=20
> How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
> Write "pp, espressivo"
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
> Sell it and buy a violin.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Bass Jokes
>=20
> Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section
> noticed?
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
> None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
> Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
> 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first
> rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's
> Messiah.
>=20
> He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the
> conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
>=20
> The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as
> last year?"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section:
> "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
>=20
> The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct:
> all the strings are equally tight."
>=20
> The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not
> the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of
> weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and
> watch the matinee performance from the front of house.
>=20
> Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how
> it was.
>=20
> "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom
> Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song
> about a Toreador at the same time."
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to
> accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to
> him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about
> 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while
> about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
>=20
> A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90
> IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he
> watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
>=20
> Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while.
> The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be
> about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in
> the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a
> while."
>=20
> After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play
> French bow or German bow?"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Lute Jokes
>=20
> Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the
> other half playing out of tune.
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Harp Jokes
>=20
> Why are harps like elderly parents?
> Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How long does a harp stay in tune?
> About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the definition of a quarter tone?
> A harpist tuning unison strings.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Piano Jokes
>=20
> What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
> A flat minor.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
> A flat major.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
> Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
> Why was the piano invented?
> So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang
> just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the
> wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Organ Jokes
>=20
> What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender
> moments?
> He puts his Leslie on "slow".
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense
> the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
>=20
> Woodwinds
>=20
> Flute/Piccolo Jokes
>=20
> How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
> Shoot one.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other,
> "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
>=20
> The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Double Reed Jokes
>=20
> Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
> The bassoon burns longer.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is a burning oboe good for?
> Setting a bassoon on fire.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the definition of a half step?
> Two oboes playing in unison.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the definition of a major second?
> Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
> Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why did the chicken cross the road?
> To get away from the bassoon recital.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
> A bad oboist can kill you.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Clarinet Jokes
>=20
> How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
> Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he
> finds just the right one.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the definition of "nerd?"
> Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
> Gifted.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Saxophone Jokes
>=20
> You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet.
> This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so
> many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
>=20
> How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
> Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David
> Sanborn would have done it.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
> 1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
> 2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't
> return it.
> 3. The grip.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
> The exhaust.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her
> saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
>=20
> He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world
> when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Brass
>=20
> Trumpet Jokes
>=20
> How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
> Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better
> they could have done it.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a
> horse?
> I don't know either.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
> Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
> "Hi. I'm better than you."
> How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
> The doorbell shrieks!
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
> He's too sensitive.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a
> symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement,
> when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second
> movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed
> to play at all.
>=20
> After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation.
> She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Trombone Jokes
>=20
> What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
> 1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding
> the chain saw very still.
> 2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
> 1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
> 2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
> The doorbell drags.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is a gentleman?
> Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
> A optimist.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the
> road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
> The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
> Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
> His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
> Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
> "Year-At-A-Glance."
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a
> trombonist?
> He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
> On or off.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he
> plays it!
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> French Horn Jokes
>=20
> How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
> Have them miss every other note.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
> Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
> You can tune a '57 Chevy.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
> A goalpost that can't march.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
> Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for
> alignment and leaks.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
> Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of
> it.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
> 1. "Hi. I played that last year."
> 2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came
> back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make
> him a great kisser?"
>=20
> "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker;
> it was no fun at all."
>=20
> The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back
> her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
>=20
> "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery,
> slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
>=20
> The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she
> came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
>=20
> "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I
> loved the way he held me!"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Tuba Jokes
>=20
> What's the range of a tuba?
> Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
> Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room
> spins.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's a tuba for?
> 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
>=20
> Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of
> wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you fix a broken tuba?
> With a tuba glue.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> These two tuba players walk past a bar...
>=20
> Well, it could happen!
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Percussion
>=20
> Percussionist Jokes
>=20
> Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
> So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
> A drummer.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
> Drool.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
> The knock always slows down.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
> Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do bands have bass players?
> To translate for the drummer.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the
> car?
> It took two hours to get the drummer out.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
> 2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that
> they can't just be pushed in.
> 3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but
> only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
> 4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until
> the room spins.
> 5. None. They have a machine to do that.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than
> horses?
> So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
> With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in
> once.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to
> the stage!"
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of
> throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking
> agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in
> Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take
> my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy
> with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the
> toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport
> to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas,
> transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was
> finally on his way.
>=20
> Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He
> found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small
> coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and
> shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he
> was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face
> brightened into a huge smile.
>=20
> "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the
> market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."
>=20
> "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"
>=20
> "No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.
>=20
> Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced
> himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he
> had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped
> on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without
> a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
>=20
> "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"
>=20
> Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just
> give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his
> instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he
> goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at
> the accordions, please."
>=20
> The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our
> accordions are over there."
>=20
> After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in
> the corner."
>=20
> The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
>=20
> The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
>=20
> The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
>=20
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Bodhran Jokes
>=20
> What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
> A bodhran player.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
> Terrorists have sympathisers.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
> The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What do bodhran players use for birth control?
> Their personalities.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
> A razor blade.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> Vocalist Jokes
>=20
> Soprano Jokes:
>=20
> If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit
> the ground first? (two answers)
> 1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to
> ask directions.
> 2. Who cares?
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
> You can negotiate with a terrorist.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
> The lipstick.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
> The jewelry.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
> 2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her
> accompanist to do it.
> 3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out
> from under her.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average
> All-Pro offensive lineman?
> Stage makeup.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian
> Tenor?
> About 10 pounds.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
> Some people actually like sewer rats.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
> One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
> The horses seem very relieved.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
> Puts on her clothes and goes home.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
> Looks for her instrument.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
> Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> What's the definition of an alto?
> A soprano who can sightread.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>=20
> A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome!
> You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there
> with Satchmo, http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/other-instrument-jokes.h=
tml#violin
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<BASE
HREF@-----.html#violin">
<!doctype HTML PUBLIC "-//IETF//DTD HTML 2.0//EN">
<html>
<head>
<title>Instrument Jokes</title>
</head>
<body>
<h1>Instrument Jokes</h1>
<h3>Strings</h3>
<ul>
<li> <a href="#violin">Violin Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href@-----.html">Viola Jokes</a></li>
<li> <a href="#cello">'Cello Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#bass">Bass Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#harp">Harp Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#piano">Piano Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#organ">Organ Jokes</a> </li>
</ul>
<h3>Woodwinds</h3>
<ul>
<li> <a href="#piccolo">Flute/Piccolo Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#oboe-bassoon">Oboe/Bassoon Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#clarinet">Clarinet Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#saxophone">Saxophone Jokes</a> </li>
</ul>
<h3>Brass</h3>
<ul>
<li> <a href="#trumpet">Trumpet Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#trombone">Trombone Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#horn">French Horn Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#tuba">Tuba Jokes</a> </li>
</ul>
<h3>Percussion</h3>
<ul>
<li> <a href="#percussion">Percussionist Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#bodhran">Bodhran Jokes</a> </li>
</ul>
<h3>Vocal</h3>
<ul>
<li> <a href="#vocal">Vocalist Jokes</a> </li>
</ul>
<h3>Folk/Rock/Popular Music and Instruments</h3>
<ul>
<li> <a href="#banjo">Banjo Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#guitar">Guitar Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#accordion">Accordion Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#chang">Chang Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href@-----. Folk/Rock/Popular Music Jokes</a> </li>
</ul>
<h3>General</h3>
<ul>
<li> <a href="#conductor">Conductor Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#musician">Musician Jokes</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#theme">Variations on a Theme</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#definitions">Definitions</a> </li>
<li> <a href="#misc">Miscellaneous</a> </li>
</ul> <hr>
<h3>Acknowledgement</h3>
<p> These jokes are a continually-growing collection, and unfortunately, I can
no longer remember which jokes I heard from whom. If you have ever told,
emailed, or otherwise communicated to me a music joke, thank you. </p> <hr>
<h2>Strings</h2>
<h3><A NAME="violin">Violin Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> What's the difference between a violin and a viola? </dt>
<dd> There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the
violinist's head is so much bigger. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? </dt>
<dd> A fiddle is fun to listen to. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why are viola jokes so short? </dt>
<dd> So violinists can understand them. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? </dt>
<dd> The dog knows when to stop scratching. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? </dt>
<dd> None. They can't get up that high! </dd> <hr>
<dt> String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of
tune." </dt> <hr>
<dt> Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile? </dt>
<dd> Both are offensive and inaccurate. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)? </dt>
<dd> Because all the assholes are in the first violin section. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? </dt>
<dd> No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
</dt>
<dd> Violins don't have spit valves. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? </dt>
<dd> You might bend the nail. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my
violin." </p>
<p> His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
</p> <hr>
<p> Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan
while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this
page," he said. "What shall I write?" </p>
<p> Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint:
"Write your repertoire." </p> <hr>
<p> "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down
at the defendant. </p>
<p> "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave
your son violin lessons last winter." </p>
<p> "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!" </p>
<hr>
<h3>Viola Jokes</h3>
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<h3><A NAME="cello">'Cello Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo? </dt>
<dd> Write "pp, espressivo" </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you make a cello sound beautiful? </dt>
<dd> Sell it and buy a violin. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<h3><A NAME="bass">Bass Jokes</a></h3>
<p> Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
</p> <hr>
<dl>
<dt> How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? </dt>
<dd> None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you make a double bass sound in tune? </dt>
<dd> Chop it up and make it into a xylophone. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? </dt>
<dd> 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1) </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of
the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's <em>Messiah</em>.
</p>
<p> He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the
conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
</p>
<p> The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same
as last year?" </p> <hr>
<p> At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section:
"You are out of tune. Check it, please!" </p>
<p> The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct:
all the strings are equally tight." </p>
<p> The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's
not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!" </p> <hr>
<p> Two bass players were engaged for a run of <em> Carmen</em>. After a
couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and
watch the matinee performance from the front of house. </p>
<p> Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it
was. </p>
<p> "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes
`BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song
about a Toreador at the same time." </p> <hr>
<p> There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to
accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him
briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140!
You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about
nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. </p>
<p> A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for
him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football
with the other guys and had a hell of a time. </p>
<p> Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The
bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about
29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the
corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
</p>
<p> After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play
French bow or German bow?" </p> <hr>
<h3><a name="lute">Lute Jokes</a></h3>
<p> Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other
half playing out of tune. </p> <hr>
<h3><A NAME="harp">Harp Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> Why are harps like elderly parents? </dt>
<dd> Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How long does a harp stay in tune? </dt>
<dd> About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the definition of a quarter tone? </dt>
<dd> A harpist tuning unison strings. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<h3><A NAME="piano">Piano Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? </dt>
<dd> A flat minor. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? </dt>
<dd> A flat major. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? </dt>
<dd> Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff. </dd>
<dt> Why was the piano invented? </dt>
<dd> So the musician would have a place to put his beer. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just
off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and
called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!" </p> <hr>
<h3><A NAME="organ">Organ Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender
moments? </dt>
<dd> He puts his Leslie on "slow". </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the
Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God. </p>
<h2>Woodwinds</h2>
<h3><A NAME="piccolo">Flute/Piccolo Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> How do you get two piccolos to play in unison? </dt>
<dd> Shoot one. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other,
"Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" </p>
<p> The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife." </p>
<hr>
<h3><A NAME="oboe-bassoon">Double Reed Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? </dt>
<dd> The bassoon burns longer. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is a burning oboe good for? </dt>
<dd> Setting a bassoon on fire. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is the definition of a half step? </dt>
<dd> Two oboes playing in unison. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is the definition of a major second? </dt>
<dd> Two baroque oboes playing in unison. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you get an oboist to play A flat? </dt>
<dd> Take the batteries out of his electric tuner. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why did the chicken cross the road? </dt>
<dd> To get away from the bassoon recital. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? </dt>
<dd> A bad oboist can kill you. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<h3><A NAME="clarinet">Clarinet Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? </dt>
<dd> Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just
the right one. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the definition of "nerd?" </dt>
<dd> Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? </dt>
<dd> Gifted. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<h3><A NAME="saxophone">Saxophone Jokes</a></h3>
<p> You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is
out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes -
the saxophone, for instance. </p>
<dl>
<dt> How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? </dt>
<dd> Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn
would have done it. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? </dt>
<dd>
<ol>
<li> Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles. </li>
<li> The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't
return it. </li>
<li> The grip. </li>
</ol> </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
</dt>
<dd> The exhaust. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her
saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." </p>
<p> He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?" </p> <hr>
<p> Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when
so much of it has passed through saxophones. </p> <hr>
<h2>Brass</h2>
<h3><A NAME="trumpet">Trumpet Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? </dt>
<dd> Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they
could have done it. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a
horse? </dt>
<dd> I don't know either. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
</dt>
<dd> Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other? </dt>
<dd> "Hi. I'm better than you." </dd>
<dt> How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? </dt>
<dd> The doorbell shrieks! </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? </dt>
<dd> He's too sensitive. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony
orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some
really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going
improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. </p>
<p> After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She
said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!" </p>
<hr>
<h3><A NAME="trombone">Trombone Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? </dt>
<dd>
<ol>
<li> Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the
chain saw very still. </li>
<li> It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. </li>
</ol> </dd> <hr>
<dt> How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone? </dt>
<dd>
<ol>
<li> Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
</li>
<li> Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes! </li>
</ol> </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you know when a trombone player is at your door? </dt>
<dd> The doorbell drags. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is a gentleman? </dt>
<dd> Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
</dt>
<dd> A optimist. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the
road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? </dt>
<dd> The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? </dt>
<dd> Just one, but he'll do it too loudly. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? </dt>
<dd> His hat says "Domino's Pizza" </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? </dt>
<dd> Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? </dt>
<dd> "Year-At-A-Glance." </dd> <hr>
<dt> How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
</dt>
<dd> He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone? </dt>
<dd> On or off. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays
it! </p> <hr>
<h3><A NAME="horn">French Horn Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? </dt>
<dd> Have them miss every other note. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn? </dt>
<dd> Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
</dt>
<dd> You can tune a '57 Chevy. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
</dt>
<dd> A goalpost that can't march. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? </dt>
<dd> Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and
leaks. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why is the French horn a divine instrument? </dt>
<dd> Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
</dd> <hr>
<dt> How do horn players traditionally greet each other? </dt>
<dd>
<ol>
<li> "Hi. I played that last year." </li>
<li> "Hi. I did that piece in junior high." </li>
</ol> </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her
roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great
kisser?" </p>
<p> "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny
little pucker; it was no fun at all." </p>
<p> The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her
roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" </p>
<p> "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery,
blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" </p>
<p> The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came
back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" </p>
<p> "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so;
but I <em>loved</em> the way he held me!" </p> <hr>
<h3><A NAME="tuba">Tuba Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> What's the range of a tuba? </dt>
<dd> Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! </dd> <hr>
<dt> How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? </dt>
<dd> Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
</dd> <hr>
<dt> What's a tuba for? </dt>
<dd> 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
<br><br>
<em>Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood,
which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.</em> </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you fix a broken tuba? </dt>
<dd> With a tuba glue. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> These two tuba players walk past a bar... </p>
<p> Well, it <em>could</em> happen! </p> <hr>
<h2>Percussion</h2>
<h3><A NAME="percussion">Percussionist Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? </dt>
<dd> So you don't have to retrain the drummers. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? </dt>
<dd> A drummer. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What did the drummer get on his IQ test? </dt>
<dd> Drool. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? </dt>
<dd> The knock always slows down. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? </dt>
<dd> Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Why do bands have bass players? </dt>
<dd> To translate for the drummer. </dd> <hr>
<dt> Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
</dt>
<dd> It took two hours to get the drummer out. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? </dt>
<dd>
<ol>
<li> "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?" </li>
<li> Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they
can't just be pushed in. </li>
<li> Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only
after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). </li>
<li> Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the
room spins. </li>
<li> None. They have a machine to do that. </li>
</ol>
</dd> <hr>
<dt> Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
</dt>
<dd> So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? </dt>
<dd> With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
</dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to
the stage!" </p> <hr>
<p> In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of
throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who
told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent
said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up
the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold
pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew
and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange
for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his
equipment, but he was finally on his way. </p>
<p> Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He
found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small
coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes
that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He
was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge
smile. </p>
<p> "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the
market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment." </p>
<p> "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?" </p>
<p> "No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared. </p>
<p> Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself
to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in
his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold
pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted
his arm for the downbeat. </p>
<p> "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?" </p>
<p> Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it!
Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13." </p> <hr>
<p> A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store
and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
</p>
<p> The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our
accordions are over there." </p>
<p> After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in
the corner." </p>
<p> The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't
you?" </p>
<p> The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" </p>
<p> The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
</p> <hr>
<h3><A NAME="bodhran">Bodhran Jokes</a></h3>
<dl>
<dt> What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians? </dt>
<dd> A bodhran player. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist? </dt>
<dd> Terrorists have sympathisers. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
</dt>
<dd> The knocking gets faster and faster and faster. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What do bodhran players use for birth control? </dt>
<dd> Their personalities. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the best thing to play a bodhran with? </dt>
<dd> A razor blade. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<h2><A NAME="vocal">Vocalist Jokes</a></h2>
<h3>Soprano Jokes:</h3>
<dl>
<dt> If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit
the ground first? (two answers) </dt>
<dd>
<ol>
<li> The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask
directions. </li>
<li> Who cares? </li>
</ol> </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? </dt>
<dd> You can negotiate with a terrorist. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? </dt>
<dd> The lipstick. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? </dt>
<dd> The jewelry. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? </dt>
<dd>
<ol>
<li> One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
</li>
<li> Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her
accompanist to do it. </li>
<li> Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out
from under her. </li>
</ol> </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average
All-Pro offensive lineman? </dt>
<dd> Stage makeup. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
</dt>
<dd> About 10 pounds. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat? </dt>
<dd> Some people actually like sewer rats. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra? </dt>
<dd> One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead? </dt>
<dd> The horses seem very relieved. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning? </dt>
<dd> Puts on her clothes and goes home. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning? </dt>
<dd> Looks for her instrument. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? </dt>
<dd> Most musicians have never been in a Porsche. </dd> <hr>
<dt> What's the definition of an alto? </dt>
<dd> A soprano who can sightread. </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<p> A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man,
welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there
with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one
problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing." </p> <hr>
<h3>Alto Jokes:</h3>
<dl>
<dt> What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? </dt>
<dt> Tenors don't have hair on their backs. </dd> <hr>
<dt> How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? </dt>
<dd>
<ol>
<li> None. They can't get that high. </li>
<li> Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a
little high for you?" </li>
</ol> </dd> <hr>
</dl>
<h3>Tenor Jokes:</h3>
<dl>
<dt> How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? </dt>
<dd> Four. One to change the bulb and three
