Klarinet Archive - Posting 000038.txt from 1995/12

From: NEVER FORGET YOUR DREAMS <talb4841@-----.EDU>
Subj: sorry if this is inappropriate, but.....
Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 10:20:09 -0500

From: ALPHA1::TALB4841 "NEVER FORGET YOUR DREAMS" 3-DEC-1995 09:18:33.06
To: TALB4841
CC:
Subj: clause cutbacks

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have
elected to take theearly reindeer retirement package has
triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be
replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at
the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole
no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have
diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by
and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered
at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should
take up the slack with no discernible loss of service.

Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been
cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not
be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the
North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible
language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way
not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling
Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull
his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by
one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of
year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to
take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a
plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French.]

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how
long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of
one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading
in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can
no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings
which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies
indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is
inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-
a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that
happen,the Board will request management to scrutinize the
Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right
number.