Klarinet Archive - Posting 000049.txt from 1995/08

From: "Edwin V. Lacy" <el2@-----.EDU>
Subj: Re: How to drink Hot Cofee?
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 12:10:16 -0400

On Wed, 2 Aug 1995, ricardo freire wrote:

> Does someone knows how to drink hot cofee without burning your tongue?
> Sometimes I have a hard time when I burn the tip of my tongue right before
> playing.

Yes, it's really quite simple:

1. Resolve to play EVERYTHING on the A clarinet from now on for the rest
of your life, transposing all Bb parts to the A.

2. Tell the conductor of your orchestra that he must never again program
"Peter and the Wolf," as low E on your A clarinet is not going to be
available.

3. Remove the pad cup from the low E key of your A clarinet, and replace
it with an electrical relay which will be closed whenever you press the
E key.

4. Attach wiring from this new switch to a small centrifugal pump, which
can be obtained at hardware stores or electronic specialty shops for
about US $300.00.

5. In order to make the system portable, obtain an automobile battery
and an electrical current transformer, run the leads of the battery to the
transformer and then to the pump. This makes it possible to take the
entire set-up with you to concerts, so you need never be without liquid
refreshment in order to fortify yourself before an important solo passage.

6. Run tubing from the input of the pump which you will place inside
your cup of hot coffee.

7. Drill a small hole in both sides of your refrigerator at the coldest
point, i.e., the freezer compartment.

8. Obtain about 10 meters of additional rubber tubing. Run the tubing
from the output tube of the electrical pump, into one side of the
refrigerator and out the other, then continuing to the bell of your clarinet.

9. Run the tubing up the underside of the clarinet, ending near the reed.

10. Now, when you are practicing and want a drink of coffee, just press
the low E key of your A clarinet. This activates the pump, forcing
coffee through the cooling coils of your refrigerator and up the length
of the clarinet. Take a long, refreshing sip.

11. Don't forget, depending on how far it is from your house to the
concert hall, you may need several miles of tubing in order to provide
for sufficient cooling. If you live in Arctic or Antarctic regions, you
can eliminate the need to alter your refrigerator - just run the tubing
through the walls of your igloo.

So, there you have it. A simple solution to a complicated problem. If
you will send me a round-trip ticket to Brasilia, I will be happy to
come and install this system for you for a price of only $10.000.00 - on
sale this week only for $9,999.95.

Happy clarineting, and don't add too much alcohol to your libations, or
you may forget to transpose!

Ed Lacy (aka Rube Goldberg)
el2@-----.edu