Klarinet Archive - Posting 000124.txt from 1995/07

From: Lynn Marie Kowach <mlkowach@-----.EDU>
Subj: 55 Ways to blow a date... (fwd)
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 11:12:12 -0400

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 1995 20:09:14 -0500 (CDT)
From: Leah Kay Duckert <lduckert@-----.edu>
To: Lynn Kowach <MLKOWACH@-----.edu>
Subject: 55 Ways to blow a date...

MORE THAN 50 WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES (and other social catastrophes)

1. At dinner, guard you plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give
the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches
for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" in high school.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what
they're talking about

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in
fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at women's legs; especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins
talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the dreat deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate
than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with you mouth full, and spew crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in
front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the
restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask
him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you (I
suggest "There was a man who played the bassoon...")

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing
the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back
to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper
shakers, silverwear, floral arrangements... i.e. anything on the table
that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your
food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the
potato you "never got." When the waiter returns with another potato for
you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the
table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs.
Insist that they just need airing out.

42. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take
one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles, and during the meal get up and arrange them
around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them
home to your invalid, senile old mother becase it's a lot cheaper than
actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and
fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a
similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate to
make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the
bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.