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Doublereed Archive - Posting 000056.txt from 2004/12

From: James Jeter <jyjeter@-----.com>
Subj: [DR-L] Favorite Quotes
Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 18:51:09 -0500

Since this list seems to get inundated periodically with quotes that
have nothing to do with our doublereed logistics, thought I'd send some
favorite quotes, representing the sense of humor I've found in many bassoonist
friends/colleagues. Perhaps an oboist can also share oboe "humor"on the list.
Happy Holidaze to All! Jim Jeter

P.S. If you're humor-challenged, please delete immediately!!

> 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers
> in his car."
> -- Author Unknown
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
> --Author Unknown
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's
> a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and
> they meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
> I don't like and just give her a house,"
> --Rod Stewart
>
> 5)"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
> desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
> fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the
> wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
> 6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
> and only enough blood to run one at a time."
> --Robin Williams
>
> 7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
> saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's
> life without even considering if there is a man on base."
> --Dave Barry
>
> 8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went
> down on them?"
> --Marilyn Pittman
>
> 9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
> should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
> to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
> should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they
> should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
> 10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
> took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
> 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> 11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> authors of that study: "Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> 12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
> 13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people
> in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
> poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
> 14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
> 15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
> 16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
> sixty, and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
> 17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case
> of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
> smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall
> people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
> 18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy
> is the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
> 19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
> member of Congress .. But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>
> 20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> student. At least they can find Afghanistan!"
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
> 21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to
> rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
> --Robin Williams
>
22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
> think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
> --Roseanne
>
> 23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
> --Billy Crystal
>
> 24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
> you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
> thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
> 25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease"
> was taken.
>
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
>
--
James Jeter, D.M.A.
NYC Bassoonist
http://www.westfieldnj.com/wso/jeter.htm

"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
you do it." Mahatma Gandhi
"Mach' es kurz! Am Juengsten Tag ist's nur ein Furz!" Goethe

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