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Doublereed Archive - Posting 000041.txt from 2004/04

From: <dblereed@-----.com>
Subj: Re: [DR-L] Recipe of the Day
Date: Mon, 5 Apr 2004 23:42:28 -0400

The following seems highly appropriats, all.......

HOW TO COOK A CONDUCTOR

Ingredients:

One large conductor, or two small assistant conductors
26 large cloves of garlic Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening
(lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yoghurt One abused
orchestra First, catch a conductor. Remove the tail and horns.
Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any
batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the principal second violin) and

long articulations and discard.

Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine
your conductor carefully--many of them are mostly large intestine. If
you have such a conductor, you will have to discard it and catch
another. Clean the conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate
the tentacles from the body. If you have an older conductor, such as
one from a major symphony orchestra or summer music festival, you may
wish to tenderize by pounding the conductor on a rock with timpani
mallets or by smashing the conductor between two large cymbals.

Next, pour one-half of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the
conductor in the wine for at least twelve hours (exceptions: British,
German and some Canadian conductors have a natural beery taste which
some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor.
Use your judgment).
When the conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the
conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic.

Then cover your conductor with Crisco using vague, slow circular
motions.
Take care to cover every inch of the conductor's body with the
shortening.
If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing

clothes first.

Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will
hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really
loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and

lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be
appropriate).

Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and

winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo

ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for
cooking your conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be
sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you

should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but
if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some,
claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot
there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed
by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the
repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of
score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.

When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your conductor

on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until
it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of
the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor
could end up tasting like stuffe ham. Make a sauce by combining the
ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and
pureeing until smooth.

If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your conductor

as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food
and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.

WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas,

such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery
manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli,
cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal
wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that
the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season.

Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of
a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder
include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of
competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.

.
Patrick McFarland, English horn & Oboe
Atlanta Symphony Orchestra
McFarland Double Reed Shop
McFarlandDoubleReed.com
404-351-4500 - phone
404-355-8983 - Fax
----- Original Message -----
From: "Isaac Bull" <contrareed@-----.net>
To: <doublereed@-----.net>
Sent: Monday, April 05, 2004 9:54 PM
Subject: Re: [DR-L] Recipe of the Day

> Indeed - though that would be more relevant to TURKEY soup.... :)
>
> Just wondering but what is a "spring" of dill.... LOL :)
>
> I like this thread - anyone into Iranian cooking - my fave....
>
> How did this get going on the DOUBLE REED list.....
>
> (don't mind my asking - I'm not complaining though.... :)
>
>
> Best to all,
>
> iSaAc
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: <pgtice@-----.net>
> To: <doublereed@-----.org>
> Sent: Monday, April 05, 2004 6:29 PM
> Subject: Re: [DR-L] Recipe of the Day
>
>
> > what???? we don't add a conductor to the boiling water???
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: <Oboeeee@-----.com>
> > To: <doublereed@-----.org>
> > Sent: Monday, April 05, 2004 7:18 PM
> > Subject: [DR-L] Recipe of the Day
> >
> >
> > > Chicken Soup
> > > 4 to 5 pound chicken
> > > 3 quarts cold water
> > > 1 cup carrots, cut into chunks
> > > 4 celery ribs
> > > I onion, quartered
> > > 2 cloves, whole
> > > 2 peppercorns
> > > 1 bay leaf
> > > Salt to taste
> > > Few springs fresh dill
> > > Wipe or rinse chicken.
> > > Cut the chicken into two or four pieces depending on the size of the
> pot.
> > > Cover with water and bring to a boil.
> > > Add carrots, celery, onion, cloves, pepper corns, bay leaf, and salt.
> > Simmer
> > > for 2 hours, skimming occasionally.
> > > Strain the soup and cool. Refrigerate until the fat rises to the top
and
> > can
> > > be seperated from the stock.
> > > Bring the stock to a simmer again (add knaidlech/matzoh balls if
> desired)
> > and
> > > heat for 15 or 20 minutes.
> > > Season to taste.
> > > To serve, pour soup into individual bowls, garnish with snipped dill.
> > >
> >
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > For personal help: email doublereed-owner@-----.org
> > Doublereed is a service of Woodwind.Org, Inc. http://www.woodwind.org
> >
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> For personal help: email doublereed-owner@-----.org
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